1. Tell them your life story
Nothing says “Don’t date me because I’m crazy!” quite like telling a near stranger every minute detail of your personal life. I know it can be tempting when you’ve just met someone who you really get along with because, all of a sudden, you’re just overwhelmed with joy and feel the need to share every single thing about yourself. Your logic is: “They’re cool and obviously understand me so they can handle this story about my dad’s alcoholism on the first date, right?” The answer is no, obviously. No one is ever cool enough to hear that kind of intimate story right from the jump. Understanding the art of self-disclosure will get you far with your crush. Trust me. Whenever you’re worried that you’ve said too much, chances are you probably have, so just zip it! Leave out the ugly stuff till later when they’re already trapped in a relationship and can’t leave you!
2. Act mean to them
When we were kids, we’d let someone know that we liked them by throwing dirt in their eye on the playground because we all had the emotional maturity of a Kardashian. You’d think that all these years later, we would’ve evolved from such insane behavior but a lot of us actually haven’t. There are still people out there who can only show their affection for someone by acting like a complete jerk. And what’s worse is that this kind of “seduction technique” works for some people! Ugh. Please do not perpetuate this awfulness and try to conceal your affection for someone. Not only is it hideously unattractive but the majority of us aren’t mind readers, if you treat us like crap, we’re going to actually think you don’t like us. Shocker?
3. Wait a long time to text them back
Since the invention of text messaging, people have found a myriad of new and exciting ways to sabotage their love life. One of the most popular ones is deliberately taking a long time to text your crush back so you don’t appear desperate. I don’t know who started this nasty rumor (since when did it become taboo to let your crush know that you were interested in communicating with them in a timely manner?) but whoever it was deserves a slap in the face ASAP! There is nothing more agonizing than sitting around and waiting for your crush to text you back, especially because you know everyone is tethered to their phones and sees texts immediately. By ignoring their messages for a little while, you think you’re playing it cool and preserving an air of mystery but all you’re really doing is being rude and flakey. If you’re genuinely interested in someone, don’t let things take 5,000 years to get off the ground. Text messaging was supposed to make communicating faster and easier but it’s actually done the opposite. Now it takes two weeks just to plan a simple date because people are lost in a texting K-hole with their crush. It’s ridiculous! If you want to see someone, don’t shoot yourself in the foot by trying to appear standoffish and disinterested. Actually follow up with them and make concrete plans. Duh!
4. Stalk them extensively on Facebook and Twitter
The first thing someone usually does when they get a person’s phone number is not text or call them to make plans for a date: They lurk them on the Internet! They will immediately do something like search their name on Facebook and pray to God that nothing terrible shows up (and by terrible, I mean embarrassing stuff like, “SLIPKNOT IS MY FAVORITE BAND!” or having a long list of cliche inspirational quotes in their “About Me” section). I get why people do this. I really do. Hell, I’ve done it in the past myself. However, I’ve learned that it’s not entirely fair to judge someone on their Internet persona before you really get to know them in real life. Some of the coolest people online have turned out to be totally boring drips IRL and vice versa, proving that a Facebook status update and a Twitter feed does not reveal everything about a person. If you stalk your crush too much, you will probably make wild assumptions about their life, which will most likely not be true. It’s fine to Google your crush just to make sure nothing like “registered sex offender” shows up but other than that, I advise everyone to step away from your computer, okay?
5. Act like a friend
Getting friendzoned is a terrible thing that has happened to me more times than I’d like to admit. And you know what the most bummer thing about it is? It’s mostly my fault. Since I’m so scared of rejection, it’s easier for me to assume the role of confidant and friend with someone when what I really want to do is make out with them. I’ll do stupid things like ask them about their current and past love life, which everybody knows that if you actually want to go on a date with someone, you don’t grill them about their exes or inquire about their dating life. That’s strictly an “OMG, let’s girl talk!” kind of move. If you want to hook up with your crush, you have to be confident and pretend that no one else, besides hopefully you in the next two hours, has seen them naked. Don’t get stuck being The Friend they go to talk to about their romances. Be the romance!
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