I’m Trying To Love You More

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I am in a K-Mart in the middle of summer and I am trying to love you more. You are helping me pick out towels but everything you’re saying to me sounds like static and I wish I could just leave you there right in the middle of the store but I don’t because I know better than to do that to someone I see naked on a semi-regular basis. My skin is sticky, I am wearing swim trunks out in public because it’s too hot to wear anything else and, although it’s hard to explain how or why, I feel young. My legs feel young. My spine feels young. My face feels young. And this is how I know I am going to outgrow you. This is how I know I am never going to be able to love you more. Because I am too young to be this fucking over it.

I am on a porch with someone else, someone new, and it’s summer again and I’m trying to love you more. I concentrate on the things I like about you. Like, maybe your eyes. Your eyes are stunning. Or the fact that my best friend Ethan once remarked to me that you have the kind of beauty that creeps on someone. It’s true. You don’t realize how gorgeous you are until the light hits your face in a certain way or you make a silly face and then it all comes together for me. I realize just how perfect you are and it’s still not enough somehow. I’m still stuck here trying to figure out how to love you more and I wish someone could just show me the answers in the back of the book so I wouldn’t feel so fucking defective all the time. But that’s not the way love works. You either got it or you don’t and I know I don’t have it–not for you, not for anyone else, and maybe not even for myself.

I am meeting you for the very first time. We are at a house party and I’m already trying to love you more. I’m imagining what our relationship would like—a dog, pillows, dinner parties, a solitary tear running down cheek set to My Bloody Valentine or some other gay shit—and I already love it. It’s like someone pitched me the idea of our relationship and I said yes without reading the fine print. It’s embarrassing because I don’t even know who you are. I kiss you that night to see if it will make me understand you better but it doesn’t. Nothing ever does because I don’t bother to pay attention. I fall in love with ideas and fantasies rather than whole beings and then I sit here and wonder why I’m still alone. It’s because I don’t fucking pay attention. I’m too busy thinking about tomorrow that today falls through the cracks.

Life is not a game. Life is not a clean narrative and people are real and flawed and you can’t force anything on them or yourself. The second you try to love someone, it’s gone. And if you find yourself in this kind of situation over and over again, maybe it’s time for you to take some time to try to love yourself. TC Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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    Reblogged this on The Adventures of a Super Street Ninja and commented:

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    Reblogged this on natashatbaker and commented:
    I find this piece informative for anyone who has ever been in love. It’s a reminder about that persistent gap between what we expect in a partner and who they really are. The solution to narrowing that gap, this author proposes, is to love yourself. I agree. I think when you are able to have a realistic sense (and appreciation) for yourself – untainted by self-hatred (cue “I’ll fit into this dress next month” or “I’ll be making $100,000 by the time I’m 25”) – you are more able to do the same for your partner. Because love isn’t about finding someone who is flawless. It is about accepting that person’s flaws over someone else’s. That that person’s combined strengths and weaknesses compliment your own in a way that allows you to be more you and them more them. If we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, it only follows that we’ll have unrealistic expectations of our partners – and then everybody ends up miserable. It isn’t a call to settle, but rather a reminder that you fell in love with someone for a reason – you need to figure out what that reason is and how much it actually aligns with reality – or did you just fall in love with the IDEA of them? Don’t expect perfection in anyone because none of us are. So don’t give up on love so quickly, but also make sure that your love is being directed in the right place.

    I also really appreciate the author’s point about living in the present. It may sound cliché, but we don’t do this enough with love. We focus on where this relationship is supposed to take us – without asking ourselves if today it makes me happy, if today it is what I need. If your answer to those questions is yes, then hold on and be willing to see if it can evolve into something greater. But if you give up today because your partner isn’t mature enough/isn’t making enough money/doesn’t paint their nails/hates dogs/loves reality television/eats tofu or whatever, then you’re concluding that they are unable to grow – and that you aren’t able to grow as a couple either. Warning: I don’t mean to suggest you can change people. You can’t. But the right relationship will take people towards more compromise because you care enough about the other person to get the pet or skip the extra beer or go to the opera. At least I hope so.

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    […] I fall in love with ideas and fantasies rather than whole beings and then I sit here and wonder why I’m still alone. It’s because I don’t fucking pay attention. I’m too busy thinking about tomorrow that today falls through the cracks. – Ryan O’Connell […]

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