1. Faux insecurity
“Oh my god, I am SO fat and ugly! Here are ten selfies of me on Instagram looking so hideous. Aren’t I sick looking? Here, let me take another picture of myself and post it on the Internet, just so everybody knows how gross I am!” Yeah, hi, whoever does this is fucking annoying. First of all, stop criticizing your appearance in front of other people because it makes them comfortable and it makes YOU look like you’re fishing for compliments. Secondly, you can’t put down your physical appearance and then post 10,000 selfies on Facebook. It doesn’t work that way. Everybody knows that if you really don’t like the way you look, you don’t take pictures of yourself or let anyone else do it either. In the past, you better BELIEVE I’ve made people de-tag unflattering photos of me on Facebook. You’re just a bad fucking friend if you do that. It ain’t right. So passive aggressive!
2. Actual insecurity
Still annoying, less terrible though. It shouldn’t be your friend’s job to prop you up every single day. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. Find a way to love yourself ASAP before everyone around you decides to jump off a bridge.
3. Being competitive
Oh really? You actually care who wins this game of Scrabble? Like, you’re going to get legitimately upset if you don’t win? Great. You’re a super fantastic person to be around. Competitive people are the worst for so many reasons but one of the major ones is that they’re always trying to one-up their friends. “Oh, you got a boyfriend? Well, last night, I went on two dates with two different people and at the end of it, they both wanted to be my boyfriend so…” Ugh, they’re terrible. Like, why are you so threatened by my good news? Why does it scare you when I’m doing well, honey?
Don’t speak (by No Doubt). I know you’re looking for a way to transition into a story about the one time you met Chloe Sevigny but please don’t. Because there is no seamless transition. You’re going to look like a name-dropper no matter how you slice it and name-droppers are TERRIBLE. Plus, everybody has seen or met Chloe Sevigny at one point in their lives sooo bye. (JK?)
Newsflash honey: The world doesn’t owe you shit. If you go into this life with a chip on your shoulder, you’re going to be constantly disappointed. And you’re going to complain and complain about your shitty life without ever doing anything about it. Not chic.
6. Holier-than-thou attitude
Oh really, you don’t do drugs or drink or turn in your work late or make mistakes or date the wrong people? Awesome. You’re a blast. And you’re also full of shit. Everyone is fucked up in their own little ways. Stop pretending you’re exception to the rule. There is only one perfect human being in the history of life and her name is Jennifer Lawrence.
7. A Know-It-All
In school, know-it-all’s would get wedgies in the hallway and I think those rules should still apply in adult life. There’s nothing more unattractive than a person who tries to make others feel inadequate and stupid. It’s like, “Nah, boo. You can’t make me feel dumb. I’m not 16 years old anymore. I now know that you’re just insecure and THAT’S sad.” Like, I’m not going to feel bad that I don’t know about this obscure indie band from the ’80s. Why should I?