Hey, can you talk for a second? Great. Okay, I have a question for you. Do you want to make out with me? Because I kind of want to make out with you. I feel like we’ve been doing this dance for awhile now and I’m tired of it. Like, I needed your answer five flirty text messages ago and now I’m running out of patience. I don’t know why we all just can’t be more direct in our communication with one another. Last spring, I hooked up with a certain ex for the millionth time and texted him afterwards when I got home, “Look, to save us both time in the future, just know that I’m down to hook up with you whenever you want.” He responded, “Hahhaahaha. Got it.” and then we never hooked up again! Was I just being too real? We had been hooking up semi-regularly for so long and every time it would take forever before we finally kissed. We’d pretend that what was definitely going to happen wasn’t actually in the cards and I didn’t see a reason why it had to be like that anymore. After a certain amount of time, can’t we just be adults and be like, “Yes, you can see me naked ALL THE TIME. I’m cool with it.”
Whatever, people are freaked out by honesty and I guess half the fun of a hook up is the anticipation leading up to it. But, like, at a certain point, can’t we just stop the clock and get real? I’m not getting any younger. I probably looked cuter five minutes ago than I do now. So let’s just stop pussy-footing around the issue. I want to see your mouth on my mouth at 5pm today at the latest. That is unless you have no interest in making out with me at all and I’ve just been mistaking your shyness for a complete lack of interest. Oops.
It’s not like I want to marry or date you. I just want to kiss you. There’s something about our dynamic that intrigues me and I don’t think I’ll figure it out until we kiss. I don’t know about you but I don’t think of making out as being a big deal AT ALL. In fact, I wish that with every potential new gay friend, I could be like, “Nice to meet you. Do you mind if we kiss for two minutes to see if we’re really better off as friends? Cool, thanks!” But that could never happen for obvious reasons.
I want to kiss you. It’s all I’ve been thinking about lately, so please let it be off my mind. Kiss me already.