1. You want to see them naked
If people couldn’t drink around their crush to abate their nervousness, I’d wager to guess that, like, half the population would shrink. Hell, maybe I wouldn’t be here today. Who even knows the #dark circumstances under which I was conceived! Let’s be real, indulging in a little sauce can go a long way in terms of landing your crush. See example:
You after one drink with your crush: I am a great person, he’s going to be obsessed with me, OH MY GOD THERE IS NO WAY I COULD EVER MAKE A MOVE ON HIM I’M SO HIDEOUS MY TOENAIL MAKES ME LOOK FAT
You after three drinks with your crush: You know what? I’m fucking awesome AND sexy! This person should totally want to hook up with me tonight. And if he doesn’t make the first move, I will because I’m a feminist!!!!
You after five drinks with your crush: Andddd I’m pregnant.
2. You want to bond
Nothing expedites the BFF process quite like getting hammered and creating hazy memories together.
You: Wait, I just met you and I’m already convinced that we’re soulmates.
New BFF: Oh my god, I feel the same way! How do we become best friends overnight? Like, I want to know everything there is to know about you right now. I want to stage photo shoots and post them on Facebook, I want to tweet the shit out of you, and I also think we should maybe go on vacation!
You: That sounds awesome. But we could always just get wasted tonight, go out, meet some guys, talk about them in the bathroom together, and then hook up with them. That way we could have something to talk about at the brunch the next day.
New BFF: You’re right. That’s basically what friendship is nowadays: forcibly creating memories so you can talk about them over mimosas the next day and laugh. Sold!
3. You can’t stand them
A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with my friend and she was like, “OMG, you should come hang out with me at “Jennifer’s” house tonight. It’ll be fun. And I was like, “Ha ha, I can’t fucking stand Jennifer. The only way that’s going to happen is if a bottle of wine never leaves my could soulless hand.” So that’s what I did. I went to Jennifer’s, drank some wine and began to tolerate her and then drank some more. By the end of the night, we were practically french-braiding each other’s hair. Alcohol saves the day again, kids!
4. You’re at a boring party with them
You know what will save a truly boring party? Everyone deciding to get the same amount of drunk. I swear to god, that fixes everything. If everyone in the room is like, “Okay, let’s all go that wasted place tonight” then suddenly it will become the best party ever. TRUST ME.
5. You work with them and need to blow off some steam
Getting wasted with your co-workers is essential to preserving your happiness at your current job. Like, I really can’t comprehend or count the amount of times Stephanie Georgopulos, Brandon Gorrell and I have been magically transported to a bar when the clock struck five.
“How did we get here?” Stephanie looks at me quizzically. “I was a formatting a post and now I’m wasted.” And then I say, “Don’t ask questions, sweetie. Let’s just get weird.”