1. You need to sleep with someone who fundamentally doesn’t “get” who you are. They look at you, trying to figure you out and reduce you to something that’s easily digestible, but they always fall short. You crack jokes they don’t understand until minutes later. “Hey,” they say quizzically, like they’re about to comprehend you. “You’re, like, really funny. And… weird.” Then they laugh at you in this weird condescending way and then you sleep with them and get a stomachache after. Ultimately, this dude is bad news but sleeping with him is helpful because it allows you to understand that just because someone gives you attention doesn’t mean you should give them yours. Also, sleeping with someone will not necessarily help people understand each other better. Often it’s the opposite.
2. Your “cool friend” who you will always feel lesser than. You feel special just being in their presence but the whole friendship is predicated upon the fact that you two will never be on the same playing field. The cool friend uses you to feel better about themselves and you use the cool friend for their status or unexplainable It factor. This is not friendship. This is not a connection between two people who really get each other. This is a dynamic that thrives on insecurity.
3. A friend you bond with simply because of a mutual love of drugs and alcohol. This friendship NEVER ends well and is toxic as hell! You lie to yourself and say, “No, we totes love each other. We also just happen to love getting fucked up!” But it’s all bullshit. Try hanging out with this friend sober at 3 p.m. flying kites in the park. All will be revealed to you then.
4. The friendship that’s ruined by living together. This has been the cause of SO MANY friendship deaths. It’s the friendship version of swine flu or the Bubonic Plague. You always think you’ll be different, your friendship will be the one that transcends it, but nope. By the end of that year, you’ll dread going home to your apartment and think, “HOW DID WE GET TO THIS POINT? What changed since that joyous first trip to IKEA?”
5. The person you date who is, at least, a decade older than you. You think they’re interested in you because you’re so mature but it turns out it’s actually because they’re so IMMATURE. It doesn’t take long for you to learn this lesson though and along the way, you manage to have some mind-blowing sex, so whatever. The upside to 40-year-old starving artists is that they usually have huge dicks and know what to do with them.