1. Your dietary restrictions. So you’re lactose intolerant, a sometime vegan, and occasionally eat bacon? Um, k. Death to these kinds of food conversations please. I don’t want to hear about the cultures in your yogurt (“IT’S ALIVE!”) or that you have started to brew homemade Kombucha with your live-in lover Mambo.
2. Your dream last night. Because hearing you talk about your dream is my nightmare.
3. How broke you are. The people who talk about not having any money are usually the people with the most money. “Seriously, I have no money right now,” they tell you as they clutch their $600 bag and order a $20 entree. “I don’t know how people do this like every day.”
4. How amazing your relationship is, which I know I know, sounds so Bitter Single Person, but like, unless your friend is also getting unlimited BJs and scalp massages too, it’s best to just keep mum.
5. A friend they’ve never met before but you’re pretending that they have. Why do people do this? “So I was with Brad last night at Russian Tea Room and he was being a total maniac as usual!” Wait, rewind. Who’s Brad? You can’t just drop a Brad on me and expect that I’ll know who it is. Backstory please. On second thought, just move this shit along.
6. Your needing to lose weight. Because chances are you’re actually thinner than me. So when you tell me you need to lose weight, you’re basically calling me fat. Also, if you actually DO need to lose weight, I can’t say anything. I can’t be like, “YEAH HON. YOU NEED TO MAYBE JOG?” This is a lose-lose kind of moment.
7. Your astrological sign. People only care about their own sign and their exes. That’s it.
8. That WEIRD thing that happened to you the other day that actually wasn’t weird at all and ohmygodwhyareyoutortuingmewiththisborningstory?
9. Your dog. Or your cat.
10. That AMAZING dinner you cooked last night for yourself that I wasn’t invited to and I had to see Instagram photos of while I was sitting at home and starving.
12. Your gastrointestinal issues. Unless we’re best friends. In which case that’s all I want to talk about!