The fear of getting hurt again is what keeps you inside on a Friday night. It’s what keeps everything stagnant, halting any potential progress, keeping you frozen like a little child.
Who hurt you this bad?
People will never ask you this but they’ll think it. They’ll wonder who did this to you, who has kept you so locked inside of yourself all of these years? You haven’t been in a relationship for a long time now and people are starting to write you off as a Ken or Barbie doll. No sexuality, no parts. Just face, just heart, just overwhelming baggage.
I can’t imagine you with someone. I’ve just never known you when you’ve been in a relationship.
You’ve never known yourself either. In those relationships, you were someone else, a practiced performance. The second you started living honestly, everything would go poof. Lesson learned: people only like to fall in love with the idea.
The fear of getting hurt again starts to manifest itself in a variety of other different fears. The fear of sitting in the middle row of a movie theatre — not aisle — and getting trapped. The fear of doing something that is not according to your Plan, that doesn’t fit into your carefully orchestrated routine. You are practically a collector of fears now and they all seem to point to the same thing, which is that spontaneity is the enemy.
If you don’t take risks, your life will forever stay the same, which is fine. You prefer it that way. You don’t want to have to deal with any unexpected twists and turns, any switches in the narrative. You are determined to never lose control. You gave it away once and look how far it got you.
You find great comfort in the familiar, even though the familiar is actually what’s killing you. You are wrapping your arms around the very thing that’s going to cheat you out of everything. You should be fucking terrified.
Shhh, don’t you ever tell me what I need to hear. Don’t ever tell me what I should hold dear.
You are closed off. So closed off and sometimes it feels good to be the only one who can disappoint you, doesn’t it? By never relinquishing your power, you are never at the mercy of other people. Perfect, right? You’ve got it all figured out! How people go through this life all willy-nilly with their heart and emotions you will never understand!
Understand this though: you are missing out. You are missing out on everything that makes a life worthwhile. You are missing out on joy, excitement, sex, despair, mistakes that are necessary for you to make. You are giving yourself a mundane existence. Sacrificing everything for an even temperament and so-called stability.
The fear of getting hurt again has only led you to hurt yourself. Come out now. Come out while there’s still some living left to be done. This person who hurt you doesn’t deserve to still dictate your life decisions. Your discipline and dedication to structure is an illusion. You’re still powerless because you’re letting certain incidents define your life. If you really want to be in control again, you have to learn to let go again. It’s the only way.