I’ve seen three and a half of the Twilight movies and read none of the books. (I walked out of Eclipse because I had eaten a pot brownie beforehand and things were starting to get weird.) I found the first two movies and Breaking Dawn: Part 2, which I saw this past weekend, to be hysterically bad, almost bordering on Showgirls-style campiness, and I can’t quite understand why or how people love it so much. The creepy right-wing vibes notwithstanding, the actual plot of Twilight is downright bizarre. If aliens came down to Earth and found out we were obsessed with this franchise, they’d be like, “JK, we’re leaving. You guys are freaks.” And they’d be right. Here are the reasons why Twilight (both the books and the movies) are pretty much the worst thing ever.
1. Although I love Taylor Lautner and his barely legal werewolf vibe, the dude is queerer than a three dollar bill and, thus, sorely miscast as a walking heterosexual hard on. Now, let’s get one thing clear, I am NOT pulling a Bret Easton Ellis and saying gay actors can’t play straight — if that were true, no parts would ever get played — but Taylor Lautner is just SO gay that everything he says or does feels distractingly homoerotic. In Breaking Dawn: Part 2, there’s a scene in which Taylor strips naked in front of Bella’s dad (in order to show him his true werewolf state… or something) and the whole thing seriously plays out like a porno. The audience was just shifting uncomfortably in their seats being like, “Wait, are they gonna fuck?’ They didn’t, of course, but they might as well have with the looks Taylor was giving him.
2. Kristen Stewart can’t act and everyone pretends that she’s the next Meryl Streep, which I just don’t get. In the Twilight movies, she just twitches a lot and acts borderline-autistic. This is supposed to be the girl vampires and werewolves are risking their lives over? I don’t understand the appeal.
3. The special effects are an LOLathon, which I suppose isn’t anyone’s fault besides the studio. Twilight has grossed Summit Entertainment billions of dollars but they can’t give them more money so it doesn’t look like a student film? Rude. My favorite part is when Rob Pattinson gets showered in glitter whenever he’s exposed to direct sunlight. I guess the sun turns vampires into gay go-go dancers!
4. The franchise has weird pro-life and anti-feminist stances littered throughout, which I won’t even bother getting into, but put on your liberal arts glasses and see for yourself.
5. When Edward and Bella have sex for the first time, he almost kills her with his powerful vampire dick. Keep in mind that Twilight is read by every 10-year-old in America, which means that children will now be asking their parents, “Mommy, can I have hot vampire sex one day too?” Ew.
6. Jacob falls in deep sexual love with Renesmee Cullen, Edward and Bella’s newborn baby. Ew again.
7. If it weren’t for Twilight, we wouldn’t have to suffer through this cheating scandal involving Kirsten Stewart and her attractive, older man director, Rupert Sanders. FYI, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson never dated. We are all just pawns in the publicity game!