The One Person You Never Really Get Over


There will always be that one person you’ll never really get over. I know, I know, Connie Chung delivering groundbreaking news over here, but it’s true. Sure, you can go days, weeks, months, years without thinking of them but the second you see their face or their name gets mentioned in passing, your stomach drops and you feel like you could puke. You’ve lost control and all of these feelings suddenly rise to the surface to say, “Sup? Have you missed us?’ You’ll hate yourself for this, for all of it. You won’t be able to recognize why this one person can still garner this type of reaction. Why is your mind punking you? It almost feels like a betrayal. You want to give your emotions a stern talking to and say, “Um, hi. I thought we were over this? So why am I getting super nervous and spazzy at the mere mention of their name? You promised me that we were over this, brain. THANKS A LOT.”

You’re not over this person because you still want to see them naked. If they wanted you at this moment, you would leave everything and come to them. It almost feels good knowing that you want someone so bad. You spend so much of your time feeling indecisive about things but this is the one thing that remains the same. It drives you insane but it also brings a certain level of comfort, doesn’t? “No matter what happens, I will always want to lie my naked body next to yours.”

You’re not over this person because they still have the ability to piss you off. A simple insensitive comment made in passing can affect you worse than an insult from your best friend. Why? Why? WHY? That’s all you ask yourself as you sit, licking your wounds. It’s important to not question this too much. It’s fruitless. It just is. Maybe one day they won’t piss you off. Maybe one day you’ll feel nothing. Hope for nothing, accept everything.

You’re not over this person because you can still remember the little details, like the way their sweat smelled (ew, make that memory go away), their favorite song at seventeen, or a day you held hands in the backseat of a car.  These memories still reduce you to mush all of these years later. Can you believe it? How can some lovers evaporate the day they leave you and others stay way past their welcome? Who gets to choose who gets left behind and who gets to stick? Not you.

You’re not over this person probably because they could never love you back the way you wanted them to, the way you needed them to. They were a defective toy that couldn’t be fixed at the shop. This made you so angry and so sad and you tried just so damn hard and everyone knew it but it didn’t work. Not one bit. Because of this, your business with them will always seem unfinished. You couldn’t conquer them and seal the deal, which made getting any kind of closure difficult. Your closure needs to be done on your own. You have to accept that this person will never give you the answers you want them to.

It sucks to have this one person in your life that can derail you at a moment’s notice. But in a way, it feels good knowing that you could ever love someone so much. Or that’s what you tell yourself anyway. It doesn’t matter if something is true or not. The things we tell ourselves can become our truth. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Smile

    Thank you.

  • Andri Alexandrou

    And no matter what we tell ourselves it won’t stop us from trying to get them back, even if only for a moment.

    • Anonymous

      Yet no matter what we fail to talk ourselves out of doing, they’ll still never come back.

  • manicm

    perfect picture. thanks for that, i know exactly what you mean…

  • inês

    perfect. :)

  • Ray

    That 2nd to last paragraph. Yup.

    So good Ryan, so good!

    • Jess

      Ditto. That paragraph…hell, his writing…speaks volume.

  • Maia Peralta Nazareno

    Finally. I’ve been waiting to read something like this.

    • Emily

      Dear God. Me too. I needed this terribly.

  • macgyver51

    Her name was Hannah, and it went on for a long time. It does go away, although getting married to a smoking hot wife helped.

  • Marjorie Baxter

    It’s the  worst when you pass up other opportunities for this person. 

  • Brenna

    Glad to hear this feeling is pretty prevalent. I higher I was just me and a few other of my insane friends

    • Beresford Brooke

      Oh, trust me, you’re far from alone.

  • rmcqs

    Thank you, thank you. Beautifully captured.

  • guest

    yup yup yup

  • b r

    This article helped me realize I am over the one person I *thought* I’d never get over when I realized I definitely, under no circumstances, want to see them naked. Nice.

  • Tanya Salyers

    Why do you do this to me Ryan? 

    This article pops up hours after I find out my “one that got away” of five years just dumped his girlfriend…and I had to fight EVERY bone in my body not to contact him somehow.  

    I’m just going to cry and eat ice cream now, thanks. 

  • Rachel

    The feeling when that person gets married? Almost enough to make you quit entirely.

    • reinhold

      the boy i lost my virginity to is engaged to a girl. It wouldn’t kill me so much, except that I’m gay. And so is he. 

  • Anh Nguyen

    This seems to highlight exactly what I felt this week when I saw his first name pop up.

  • nicole

    almost in tears. loved this. so true and there is a comfort in knowing other people feel this way too…

  • 2rcaitlin


  • Stephanie

    My first reaction to this was: there’s NO WAY this guy is over 30.

    (Though, my second reaction was that it’s beautifully written. Nice work.)

    You get over them. I promise. It may take years and you may be a completely different person by then, but you do.

    • Maadfunnychick

      After 15 years, an amazing husband, a child and then the response of so many to this article, I beg to differ.  My mother cried when she found out her first love died…50 years after she met him.  

      • melissa

        wow. that is really amazing. i was just going to thank the woman named Stephanie for helping put things into perspective with her comment. but then i read yours. it never goes away, does it?

  • Jdbirdsall

    Get out of my head!

  • Sophia

    “You’re not over this person probably because they could never love you back the way you wanted them to, the way you needed them to. They were a defective toy that couldn’t be fixed at the shop. This made you so angry and so sad and you tried just so damn hard and everyone knew it but it didn’t work. Not one bit.” Ryan, how do you know everything? 

  • jonathan

    whoa, i thought this was written by a girl.  Seems kinda faggy that homeboy is catching feeling so hard. 

    Just find some replacement pussy, bro.  Before you know it you’ll be hitting it and your brain will secrete oxycontin and you’ll be in “love” again.don’t put the pussy on a pedestal.

    • you're a sexist ass hole

      i feel sorry for all the “pussy” you’ve ever encountered. i bet your mother does too.

    • Meow

      Penis* on a pedestal.

    • linsr

      oh, so a guy having feelings makes him gay?  and sexual orientation is relevant how?  i don’t think any girl who heard those words escape your mouth would touch you with a ten foot pole. hope you enjoy your emotionally unattached pussy chase, bro.

      • melissa

        don’t worry, he will. fucking scumbag.

    • Jessica

      Your brain will never secrete OxyContin. Oxytocin is the word you’re looking for here.

    • Hot Like Blue Fire

      I love how a sensitive guy is automatically labeled as gay, when that’s all a real woman really wants.
      Having feelings and being unafraid to express them doesn’t make him gay, douchebag.
      It makes him a man.

    • yep

      u r an idiet

    • Boop

      Jonathan – You are repulsive. 
      How would you like it if someone called your mom “replacement pussy?”
      Grow Up! =) 

  • Tim Jones

    Great article Ryan. That second to last paragraph rings so true – the harder you try to fix that toy, the more broken it becomes.

    Eventually you do get over it though, and it’ll take you by surprise. I logged into facebook a few months back and saw that my ex of 5 years had got engaged – didn’t feel a thing. That was the first point that I could honestly say that I was over her.

    Anyway man, keep up the good work,

  • Asavva

    Nice to know I’m not alone, thanks. It’s so bad for me because mine dumped me when I got an extremely debilitating, chronic disease. HE LIVES ON MY STREET, so whilst I am house-bound and alone, I have to watch him ride by my house every second day with a chick on the back of his motorbike, happily living his life while mine was over at age 28. ;-(

  • linsr

    “You’re not over this person probably because they could never love you back the way you wanted them to, the way you needed them to.”  This explains everything…. 

  • Jennifer

    I’d be better off if I could get over this person. I really would.

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