1.”All My Friends” by LCD Soundsystem
LCD Soundsystem makes the best music to walk to. It makes sense that Nike tapped him to make an album meant for running—his music is epic. Whenever I’m listening to “All My Friends” on my iPod, I feel like I’m going somewhere important. I walk with conviction even if it’s just to the deli to get water and a piece of chocolate. Oh god, that is a buzzkill actually. Putting on an epic walking song just to pick up Sour Patch Kids is the equivalent of a stale fart whimpering at your face.
2. “Where Do I Begin” by The Chemical Brothers
Okay, you’re still on the treadmill when this song comes on. You’re feeling a bit tired and having intense life moments. All of a sudden, as this Chemical Brothers song explodes into a full on electronic song, you speed up the treadmill and you are running like your life depends on it. You’re going to feel like your life is a movie and the treadmill is a symbol of the speed with which your life is going. Whatever you do though, don’t cry on the treadmill. Your tears will fall down and you’ll end up slipping and eating crap because of your own grief.
3. “Be Faithful” by Fatman Scoop
Remember that movie, Save The Last Dance? It was about Julia Stiles being sad that she was a white girl and sometimes there was dancing involved. Anyway, the soundtrack is amazing and this Fatman Scoop song will pump anyone up. Play this after you’re done on the treadmill and no longer living la vida Introspective Indie Film, and want to start WORKING OUT. Be careful though. This song will make you want to dance, which isn’t an advisable thing to do next to heavy gym equipment.
4.”Work it” by Missy Elliott
Missy Elliott is my favorite closeted lesbian! Her beats are insane and fresher than ten Nicki Minaj’s put in a blender with Beyonce. Where the hell did she go though? Is she in a LTR living in a hut at Home Depot or what?! All of her songs are great to work out to but “Work It” stands above the rest. It will get you raising your fists and pumping iron before you can say “Sorry, Queen Latifah!”
5.”Till The World Ends” by Britney Spears
Whenever I hear one of Britney Spears’ songs, I’m like, “Oh, I get it. I’m a homo.” I try to fight it but I can’t resist her beats. By the end of one of her songs, glitter is shooting out my nose and my shirt mysteriously disappears. Although it’s sad that the “real” Britney died some time ago and a cyborg has taken her place, she still makes some killer jams that are perfect for the gym!
6.”Dirrty” by Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera’s “Dirrty” is only meant to be listened to under two circumstances: When you’re drunk and horny at a house party and when you’re working out at the gym. You know how people like to strip when they work out now? Pole dancing classes are all in vogue and people are just burning calories by getting naked and stuff? Well, “Dirrty” is the perfect song for this type of workout. By the time it ends, you’ll be dry humping your pole during a workout class and everyone will be just looking at you like “Whaaaaaat?”
7. “Never Gonna Come Back Down” by BT
Do you guys remember BT? He had a moment in the late ’90s and early ’00s when he did the score for the movie Go and started producing songs for Britney Spears and *NSYNC. His music was very “Going to a rave in 1999” but it ws actually pretty good. I remember playing the Go soundtrack in my room when I was 16 and wishing I was at a rave with Katie Holmes. If only! Anyway, I know people like to be on that Tiesto tip when they work out but since I’m not familiar with that musical world, this is the closest thing I got. It’s good. Try it!
8.”We R Who We R” by Ke$ha
Ke$ha is one of the most deplorable pop stars out there and with good reason. While pop songs aren’t exactly known for being full of depth, Ke$ha’s little ditties take insipid to a whole new level. With her inane lyrics and slurred delivery, her vocal stylings can often resemble that of a drunk toddler. That being said, her music is great to listen to when using a punching bag at the gym. Jut imagine it to be saying that line in “We R Who We R” in which Ke$ha sings/slurs, “Got Jesus on my neck-uh-luss-luss-luss-lisssss.”