5 Things You Should Never Say To A Gay Man

1. “Um, you’re supposed to look cute. You’re gay!”

This is the face of a gay man in 2011. We’re here, we’re queer, and you better run for it! The above photo was actually the last picture I took of myself on Photo Booth and I think it accurately sums up where I’m at emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually in my gayness. I might be a homo but I can be a haggard a$$ ho if left to my own devices. And you know what? I like being a dirty gay. Ain’t no shame in my gayme. It really pisses me off when people see me looking disheveled and are like, “Um, aren’t you supposed to be gay? How are you so unkempt?! You must’ve missed that part of the gay gene!” Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present this to you as exhibit A in Things That Are Unknowingly Insulting To Gay People 101. Being clean and beautiful isn’t a part of our DNA. Our love for penis is but nothing else.

2. “Ugh, can’t you just be straight?”

Yes, honey. I wish I were straight. But not because I could get married and not feel weird about making out in public but because then I could hook up with you. Answered prayers! Whenever a girl has said that to me, I’m never sure how to respond. My first instinct is to say “Thanks” but I don’t even feel like it’s a compliment. It reflects poorly on the girl by making her look like some sad desperado living out her Will & Grace fantasy, which is something I won’t indulge her in. I’m not going to spend Saturday night with you eating ice cream and talking about how much boys suck. We’re better than that. So stop hitting on me and just be my friend! Or actually don’t be my friend because you’re rubbing my inner thigh right now and things feel weird.

3. “I’m straight.”

You know what’s the # 1 thing closeted guys like to say after hooking up with gay dudes? “I’m straight!” That or they cry. I had one straight guy who literally began to sob after he orgasmed with me. I had to hold him in my arms and chant “IT GETS BETTER!” until he finally stopped hyperventilating. That’s an extreme case though. Usually they’ll just act cold and distant, and start beating their chest like Conan, The Barbarian. Hearing those words “I’m straight” after you just experienced them on a homosexual level can be like nails on a chalkboard though. It’s sort of similar to someone devouring their food at a restaurant and then being like, “That didn’t taste that good.” Don’t get it twisted, straight boys. We know your game because we played it too.

4. “I really want a Gay Best Friend…”

You’re in luck! Gay Best Friends are now being sold on Ebay. They come with their very own phrases like, “Honey, I don’t know about you in that dress…” and “Let’s talk penis!” They’re the perfect companion to brunch, the movies, or a fashion party. Just stick your Gay Best Friend in your bag and you’re good to go. Bonus feature: He’ll make out with you when you’re drunk!

5. “You’re pretty cool for a gay guy!”

I love it when homophobic straight dudes pretend to dip their feet into the acceptance pool because they end up saying some pretty ridiculous things. I mean, it’s better than someone saying “DIE FAGGOT DIE!” but sometimes someone being faux accepting of homosexuals can be insulting as well. Like when people say, “I didn’t even know you were gay because you’re so straight-acting!” It’s meant as a compliment but it’s actually incredibly disparaging to the “queeny” types who, god forbid, “act more gay.” I use quotes because there’s no way anyone can act more gay than someone else. As long as we’re all sleeping with dudes, I’m pretty sure we’re all equally gay. The percentage doesn’t go up when someone says “HEY GIRL HEY!” while wearing a cloak and carrying a copy of the Janice Dickinson memoir. “What you just did there was like superrrr gay. Oh my god, you’re so gay. I’m jealous! I should put glitter in my hair and sleep with a random guy so we can be on the same level again! Wouldn’t want you to outgay me.” TC mark

image – Urban Wanderer

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Prettyshire

    I want you to be my best friend, not because you’re gay, but because you’re my favorite writer on here and I sorta wanna pull an “All About Eve” on you one day.  But really, everything you said was gospel.  I’ll never understand why some women pine after their “gay best friends”.

    • g.

      Ugh. #4. I strongly dislike when girls either whine about how they want a “gay best friend” or blast to everyone that so-and-so is their “gay best friend.” Why isn’t he just your “best friend”? Answer: Because you think it’s trendy to have a “gay best friend”…and that makes me want to punch you in the face…because people are people, not accessories for your life.

    • g.

      Sorry didn’t mean for that to be a reply. Just a separate comment.

  • http://twitter.com/henryevil Andrew

    The fact that you uploaded a picture of yourself to declare you’re the face of gay men…

    • http://twitter.com/sarizzle Sarah

      Correction: He said the face of a gay man, as in one gay man.

  • rooar

    smiles all round people, ryan gives em free. 

  • Anonymous

    A fun postscript for number 5 is: “…and if I were gay, I’d totally do you.”

  • Mish

    I don’t want to be your best friend, just your fuck buddy.

  • Cherchez La Femme

    That was so open. Write an answer to me after 3-4 weeks and tell me how do you feel then, k? LOL Anyways thanks for sharing. Never would’ve known about some things…

    • Autumn

      what the hell

  • http://about.me/mattcherette Matt Cherette

    Since I really want a gay best friend and you’re pretty cool for a gay guy–and also because I can’t just be all, “I’m straight!” and then go to you and be like, “Ugh, can’t you just be straight? You know, like I am?” because I’m not straight and neither are you, but that’s beside the point–I’d like to invite you to, as Tyra says, be congratulated for still being in the running towards becoming Matt’s next top (or bottom, doesn’t matter to me what your preference is, unless our BFFship becomes sexual, in which case you *will* need to be a bottom) best friend. And while we’re on the subject: Oh, honey. : Should I book us a spa appointment? I mean, um, you’re supposed to look cute–especially if you’re my BFF–but that picture? I am disappoint. Come on, you’re gay! Put some effort into it and WERQ, sister-friend. *Snaps*

    • ryan o'connell

      I can work it! let me prove it to you oh please gay god

      • http://twitter.com/RESEWON Theresa Won

        Wow, Ryan…I think you just out-gayed yourself.


  • stupidstudent

    favorite piece of crap I never want to hear? being a lesbian is JUST like being a straight man!

  • sharl

    Do you ever get asked if you give or take?

    • rgar

       Oh God. I HATE that question. I’ve been to too many bars and parties where some random girl will come up to me and ask that.

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    No, but seriously, you are pretty cool for a gay guy.

  • Grace

    I’m living out my will and grace fantasy and I couldn’t be happier

  • WDeanis

    Something my boyfriend an I laugh at web being introduced at gay bars: “This is ____ and ______, they hang out at straight bars”

    Something I almost had someone fired over at work: [whispering] “You’re gay? Do you know where to find blow?”

    And something I laugh in your face at: “Why dont you guys hold hands in public?? Who cares what other people think, I know I would hold hands.” You probably wouldn’t, no.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    I couldn’t help it, I busted up laughing at your “it gets better!” moment. Wonder if they’ll use that in the next round of ads? (No, but it’d be great if they did.)

  • it's a piE!!!


  • HEY

    everyone should feel weird about making out in public.

    • Preach

      I could kiss you for that comment. (But only behind closed doors, of course.)

  • Anonymous

    Another one: I’m one of those rare guys a true bi-sexual.

    • ohboy

      not as rare as you think. jussayin.

    • Anonymous

      hmm i know a bisexual. He tends to like laughing at his own jokes, a lot.

  • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

    grungy guy walks into store. does not look at me or my hot friend. i decide he must be a new breed: a grungy gay, and ask her if there is such a thing. you answered my question, thanks. also. i don’t want you to be my gay best friend, i want you to be my gay HUZBAND, totes diff story.

  • Charles Reinhardt

    Everyone I know has had gay friends since infancy. Why do we need lessons on how to behave around them? Gayness isn’t a new thing.

    • AJ

      Because, surpirsingly, not everyone HAS had gay friends since infancy and because people say these things ALL the time. In fact I can tell you I personally still hear variants of all 5 of these in 2011. It’s annoying.

      • Sammy G

        AJ is spot-on. You may live in some wonderful gay mecca where people are down with teh ghey, but there are more than a few of us who grew up in the Bible Belt and didn’t know an out gay person until we got to college.

      • Guest

        what’s wrong with being fascinated by gay people?

    • Piscodaemon


      “Um … I befriended gays before everybody else.”

      Homosexuality isn’t a new thing obviously, Chuck.  We’re still working on the equality part. 

  • gay twat

    yea, I’m gay! In your face boy! Got a problem with that?

  • Keltydennis

    Aw the “gay best friend ” part was obviously inspired by my comment on your article about what tv has taught you about being gay. :) jk.

  • monster


  • guesty

    shit not only are you a queen but you look like a hipster. Dislike.

    And the worst thing someone can say to a gay is “oh you can take me clothes shopping and give me fashion tips!!”

    • Rayan Khayat

      Respect yourself

    • N.

      What’s your point? Is there a single regular contributor on this site who doesn’t look like a hipster?

  • http://www.facebook.com/ivanavi Ivan Dutton

    Also I would like to add that whenever you complement a straight guy their defense is “Thanks, but I’m straight”. Ummm nobody asked. Yes we gays love men and sex, but we are not trying to fuck every single man with a penis. By proclaiming your straightness you make yourself look insecure and ignorant. Take the compliment, I ain’t trying to fuck you.

    • logic

      In fairness, Straight men are ALWAYS trying to *bleep* someone, and they normally only geniunely compliment someone when they would want to *bleep*, that someone. It’s the universal code for, Hey, if you want to *bleep*, I’d be into that. So of course if you compliment a straight man, he’s going to think you want to *bleep* him. It’s always going to make straight men uncomfortable and if you don’t want to hear it, don’t compliment them.

      Straight men do sometime try to be charmers to get their way and will compliment anything and anyone, be we are talking about, out the blue compliments here where the only aim is to express an opinion about the other person.

      • Crashlanding

        hooraaay for sweeping generalisations! -_-

        saying “all straight men are like this” is just as ridiculous and small minded as saying “all gay men are like such”. All it does is perpetuate expectations. And when it’s true, it’s generally because the assumption creates the behavior, not the other way around.

      • Cockedandopen

        Well you are so right and so wrong.

        I totally agree with the latter part of the second paragraph. I tend to compliment anyone, anywhere, anytime, solely on the basis of wanting to make that person have a better day. So many go thru life getting shit, stepped, dissed, beat on, and so often without the perp even knowing that their words hurt.

        To me it’s like that pay it forward shit. Wtf not. It ain’t gonna cost you a dime (I know) and you could make someone’s self esteem go way up. And face it, everyone could use a boost, at least time to time unless your a-self absorbed bitch, cock, or however you define yourself.

        On the so wrong tip… What are you looking for compliments on your dick? Sorry, but dude, if you are a man and aren’t stupid should be able to easily complement another male without fear of thinking dude thinks you want to bust up in him. Come one man, if you compliment any male attribute, dress, hair or shit like that, yep your confused, gay or stupid. Unless that is your profession. My freaking tailor better tell me how great I look, lie or not, my gay hair dude best tell me my chop is hot, or I’m gonna stop thinking he wants to fuck me and the day he stops wanting to fuck me. I’m getting something done… Lol

    • http://twitter.com/FilthyPazuzu Ƒɩƪţħƴ Ƿɑɀųɀų

      LOL On a similar note, ever notice how so often it’s the most hideous of virulently homophobic cretins who proudly proclaim “no homo is going anywhere near my ass!” as if thousands of gay men have just had their dreams of dirty, sweat-soaked flab-ass forever crushed.

      Hey, bag with which one douches: NOBODY will ever willingly go near your ass. You’re disgusting.

  • guest!

    for the girls who needs a gay friend, a gay can very well say to them :”oh darling, no man wants you but they sure do want me!”

  • Anonymous
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