The 5 Most Intimate Things You Could Do To Somebody

1. Hold their hair back while they vomit

I recently held back someone’s hair while they vomited for the first time and was struck by how tender it felt. Scooping their hair up and pulling it back as they do this really disgusting and vulnerable thing felt like a total bonding experience. Added bonus points if you massage the back of their neck while they heave. In high school, I would see girls do this for each other all the time. Their reflexes would be extraordinary. The second a girl would complain of nausea, someone would come to their rescue and lead them to a safe place, prepared to hold their hair so no vomit would land on the person’s beautiful tresses. As much as there’s fighting between girls, there’s also a remarkable protective nature as well. They’re just tapped into each other in a way that men aren’t. For future reference, if you aren’t willing to hold someone’s hair back while they vomit, you shouldn’t be getting drunk with them. When you’re puking in someone’s toilet and in between sobs, you gotta scream, “LOVE ME FOR ME BEB!”

2. Give a scalp massage

Scalp massages are the way to my heart and penis. I swear, 80% of the reason why I look forward to getting my haircut is for those three minutes of hair ecstasy when they shampoo you. I would kill to be a fly on the wall when they teach someone how to do it in hair school. “Okay, now take your hands and give someone an orgasm on their head. Think of everything that’s right and feels good in the world and manifest it into your fingers.” When I get home, I try to replicate the feeling myself when I shampoo my hair but it never works. I need someone else’s magic. I need a boyfriend who is willing to massage my scalp 24/7. Actually, I just need a boyfriend who cuts hair and knows how to do it. During the last haircut I received, a gay dude washed my hair and I was this close to being like, “Um, here’s my number. Can we continue this in a more private setting? My scalp really likes you.”

3. Tie your shoe

Wanna hear something really real? I can’t tie my shoes! No, I’m serious. It’s physically impossible. After I was hit by a car, my left hand got messed up and I now struggle with having the dexterity to make those little bunny ears. As a result of this shortcoming, I’m forced to rely on anyone and everyone to tie my shoes. I once had to ask a complete random on the street because I was worried I was going to eat crap and knock my teeth out when they had become untied. Having someone tie your shoes when you’re past the age of five is a unique experience. You feel really vulnerable and a tad humiliated having a grown person get down on their knee and make loops with your shoestrings. But it’s also kind of sweet and beautiful. You feel like a kid again who’s temporarily helpless and relies on the kindness of strangers.

4. Pop your zits

If someone is willing to pop your zits, they’re a keeper. Not only are they acknowledging that disgusting things happen to your body, they’re willing to get up close and personal with it. I once had my best friend pop a nasty zit on my back (we’ve all been there, okay?} and after it was done, I was just like, “You win the friendship game. You must really love me to do something that horrific!” They act all grossed out and “OMG, I can’t believe I just did that!” but some people secretly love it. Hello, how else do you explain the existence of estheticians? They live for a giant zit that needs to be popped.

5. Clean something off of your face

Whenever someone takes a napkin and cleans something off of my face completely unprompted, my heart melts a little bit. I think to myself, “Wow! You like me! You really like me!” I’ve had people let me just straight up walk out of a restaurant with ketchup on my face and I’ve come to realize that those people cannot be trusted. I’ll notice it an hour later and just be like, “How could you let me leave the restaurant with this situation on my face?” and they’ll just avert my stare and be like, “Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you…” What?! That’s like saying, “Oh, I forgot to tell you that there’s a bee hovering near you!” No. Mama doesn’t play with that kind of business. You can’t sabotage me like that. TC mark

image – tableatny

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Goon

    i would add snuggling even though you know you won’t hook up to this list. one time i was really distraught and homesick and my boyfriend came over  just to  hold me until i fell asleep. all i needed was someone to comfort me and tell me it would be alright. he didn’t want anything out of it either- just wanted to help me feel better.

    also, he always tucks my hair behind me ear if it falls in my face :)

    • douchegirl

      Someone tucking my hair behind my ear is probably my favorite tender act. Not a lot of people have done it for me, sadly. 

  • Kaitlyn

    “No. Mama doesn’t play with that kind of business.” Wonderful.

  • Maggie


  • Anonymous

    scalp massages forever.

  • Guest

    Trading off spots on the toilet? (#2)

  • Ra

    Sleep in the same bed, under the same cover.

  • Michael Koh

    so true

  • Alex Hamilton

    “I swear, 80% of the reason why I look forward to getting my haircut is for those three minutes of hair ecstasy when they shampoo you.”
    So glad I’m not the only person that feels this way! 

  • Anonymous

    I’ve traded sex for scalp massages. I regret nothing.

  • Maxwell Chance

    Salad tossing is less intimate than shoe tying?

  • david miller

    hold their hand as they’re having contractions

  • Greg Petliski

    I’m finally realizing how fucked up you are Ryan. Because you found a way to be all hipster/philosopher and make mountains out of molehills.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      i know isnt that so fucked?! im glad u noticed. somebody stop me aggghh

    • Guest

      quit trying to neg Ryan, I know you want his dick but try honesty

  • Damen Handle

    Rimming someone’s asshole is pretty freaking intimate.

  • Megan

    Last night I was really upset and was crying to my boyfriend. To make me feel better he started licking my face. It worked

  • Tau Zaman

    Also really intimate: helping your friend through a medical crisis. Like, if they have an allergy attack or a seizure or whatever. Because when their face is all swollen up or they’ve peed their pants because there’s no stimulus control, they’re vulnerable to a point where they can’t really protect their pride. So if you’re there for them, it’s like saying, “you’re human and I love you and I know you’d do the same for me.”

    • Ap

      Wow I’ve never realized it before but I do feel closer to a person after they experience me seize. 

  • Miranda

    I love giving scalp massages. It’s relaxing running my fingers through someone’s hair.

  • Joy

    How does anal sex not make it on this list…

    • NoSexCity


  • Arturo Galarza

    I know this is totally MISSING the point, but apparently there’s a “grown-up” (what-ever) way of tying your shoes that doesn’t involve bunny ears.  I don’t know how to do it either, but you might want to look into it =)

    • Aimee Vondrak

      It’s loop swoop and pull! (From the movie Big Daddy remember??)

  • NoSexCity

    Numbers 4 & 5 are DEAD ON. 

  • Halo_Override

    The moment I knew my good friend had met the right gal: we were riding a bus somewhere together and our stop was coming up. They got to the exit ahead of me and were talking while the bus slowed down. As they talked, she reached up and wiped something off his face.

    Inside, I went awwwww, followed by I’m gonna have to find a new roommate soon. Now they’re married with kids.

  • Keli Anaya

    HILARIOUS. Ryan, why aren’t you on a date with me right now? 

  • klaus

    How is Two Girls One Cup not on this list?????

    R U MAD??

  • chubbstar

    id like to add “pluck your back/nose hair” to this. 

  • Sara

    eugh scalp massages are weird and make me feel so uncomfortable. i dont feel consciously aroused but my body is so responsive. it’s weird and i never realised why i felt weird until i was old enough to understand orgasm. blegh makes me feel dirty when a stranger washes my hair like that.

  • ScalpFan

    For fellow scalp massage enthusiasts out there, you MUST purchase a head tingler (see attached image). It is orgasmic and totally solves the self-replication dilemma – although it is still better when someone else does it… and more fun! It will change your (sex) liiiiiife!!!

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