Ten Reasons Why You Should Never Date Me

  1. You will have to listen to so much shoegaze. Not only will I play it when we make out, I’ll sneak it on at two in the afternoon or when we’re getting ready to go out on a HOT date. You’ll be like, “Hi. Can we not listen to music that makes me want to slit my wrists? Put on some Britney!” and I will freak out, cry crocodile tears and solemnly put on Femme Fatale.
  2. I like my alone time, which can easily be read as, “Don’t talk to me. I hate you.” That’s not what it means. I just really like going to the magazine store on Saturdays, buying the new issue of Vanity Fair and reading it a cafe for five hours. Some dudes can’t hang with a Miss Independent. If you want someone who’s gonna be all up on your grill every second of every day, I am not the one for you.
  3. I’m a Virgo. Google it.
  4. I’m a writer who talks about his life for a living. If this freaks you out, then I’m actually happy and like you even more. You should want our relationship to be private. Here’s something that should put you at ease though: I only write about relationships after the fact. I would never write an article called “Ten Reasons Why I’m Happy My Relationship Status Is Changed On Facebook.” I won’t live-blog our fights. “10:02- Um, he just called me emotionally unavailable and ate all my crackers. 10:04- We’re cuddling.” Everything will be pretty much kept under wraps. However, I’m still a writer and an ambitious one at that, which means that it’s my job to have feelings. And I never go on vacation.
  5. I’m a drive-by spooner. I get in, I get out, and I go to my corner of the bed ASAP. If you want something to hold on to all night, I suggest investing in a body pillow. Maybe one that has a picture of my face on it? Love you, babe!
  6. Depending on how much hotter you are than me/ how much I love you, I may be singing “Hey Jealousy” by The Gin Blossoms more often than you’d like. I might be like “where r u where r u where r u” if you aren’t home and wonder if you’re galavanting around town with a Lance Bass look-alike. I haven’t behaved like an insane jealous bitch since high school but I believe that it can always come back. (Just a little F.Y.I. for those of you who are on the fence about dating me. IS ANYONE OUT THERE? HELLO? IS THIS BLOG ON?)
  7. Our whole relationship could be you just taming my brattiness. “I don’t want to go that restaurant. It sucks and you suck for liking it! Okay wait, let’s go to the restaurant. Babe, I’m sorry for being such a brat.” If I’m in love with you, I will always apologize for being a jerk and maybe add an extra five minutes to the nightly BJ, but that means having to deal with my brattitude.
  8. I can be a compulsive flirt but that’s just because I know I have a man and it’s fun to play with people’s emotions! If my flirting with the mall security guard upsets you, you should probably start running away now. And yes, this would make me a hypocrite.
  9. I’ll make you watch episodes of Popular, The Comeback and Rich Girls over and over, and if you don’t laugh at the appropriate times, I’ll ask you over and over if you think it’s funny. “Oh god, you hate it. I know you do. Just tell me.”
  10. JK to all of this. I’m a catch. Date me! TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1415031788 Sharif Youssef

    You should just link to ten of your articles.

    • Andrew

      LOL!

  • r3t0dd

    11. I couldn’t put a decent sentence together to save my life. I only write so I call call myself a writer.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      YOU HATE GAY PEOPLE DONT U?

    • george

      You call call yourself a writer?

  • http://sans.deadti.me/ Amy McDeath

    I’d heard all I needed to at “Google it.”

  • http://twitter.com/layzrr Matthew

    IS THIS BLOG ON?!?1

    I lol’d.

  • Kim

    Good lord what is with the negative feedback?? I’ll date you Ryan, despite all your flaws!! (Plus. I’ve got twenty to cancel these out and then some….)

  • PUBLICPERV

    hahaha i forgot about reading the rest of this article b/c i was busy googling virgo.

    • Anonymous

      Virgos are so tough to date. That’s what I tell everyone who dates me and they just won’t listen!

      • Mandy

        Haha, why? I’m so curious.

      • PUBLICPERV

        “Virgos tend to take on some of the qualities of a Virgin, things like modesty and humanity. Some might consider them repressed, although Virgins would argue that it’s a noble quality.”

      • gazeclear

        ulgh virgos. will never date one again, learned my lesson, twice. they reel you in with their endearing nature, sensitivity and gentleness. then they get bitchy and whiney and overly emotional. no more. 

      • http://chadbernal.blogspot.com/ Chad

        Like you, I fell for that, too — hook, line, and sinker. Double Ulgh!

      • Nydiesel85

        This pretty much describes me (virgo).. add emotionally unavailable and you’re set!

      • Anonymous

        We’re very casual about certain things and then uptight about others. It’s like it doesn’t matter if I show slovenly disregard for cleaning my room, I will have many opinions about how everyone else should run his or her life and how things should look. We’re feisty, but we totes like to have alone time. 

      • Ryan O'Connell

        honey thats me i am that

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    Lance Bass? Really? I consider myself to be the somewhat of a jealous type, but even I don’t consider Lance Bass to be competition.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      i mean that was a joke hes disgusting

  • OhCrepe

    Virgos unite! Find yourself a Capricorn because they have the calm strength of an oak tree to put up with your BS. 

  • OhCrepe

    Virgos unite! Find yourself a Capricorn because they have the calm strength of an oak tree to put up with your BS. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/jade.orlich Jade Mitchell

    You’d be the most neuro-tastic boyfriend ever! 

  • http://twitter.com/Noosiekins Vanessa S

    oh this is priceless…it’s like reading you describe a friend of mine LOL

  • Deanna

    i like your brattitude.

  • http://kelianaya.com Keli Anaya
  • http://twitter.com/cnigara Christie Nigara

    you are my favorite writer on this site – love it!! i completely relate

  • http://twitter.com/cnigara Christie Nigara

    you are my favorite writer on this site – love it!! i completely relate

  • ha

    Does your shirt say RADarte? You’re winning me over, Ryan…

  • Paulspensley

    Damn you Ryan and your addictive articles and good looks!

    You need to become a Britfag or else I will come over there and feed you tea, crumpets and send you to Oxford University!

  • Paulspensley

    Damn you Ryan and your addictive articles and good looks!

    You need to become a Britfag or else I will come over there and feed you tea, crumpets and send you to Oxford University!

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Lolz.

    As an aside – favorite shoegazers? Fess up!

    • Craig Duncan

      Slowdive, baby, Slowdive.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        thanks, boo.

  • Guesty

    My boyfriend is a Virgo.  The internet just told me that it will never work out and we have no spark and perhaps should consider being enemies.  

  • Yetanotherdisappointedbro

    I find it unfortunate that this site most prolific writer is also its least engaging. You are a boring person Ryan.

    • Bobby

      The man is vanilla incarnate. Pro tip Ryan. Being openly gay does not make you interesting. (At least not in 2011)

    • KrUsty

      YOU MUST BE THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON EVER.

    • oh gosh

      go die ryan is perfect I HATE YOU!!

  • serena

    ryan you are so perfect i wish you were straight so you would love me <3 xoxo

  • eric

    omg yes at shoegaze, alone time and drive-by spooning, ily ryan

  • Sammy G

    I’m a Taurus, the Internet says we’ll work. Pick me.

  • MelB

    It’s like you’re the male, gay version of me.

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