Nine Reasons Why You Aren’t Getting Laid

  1. Let us refer immediately to the king of celibacy, Mr. Moz, when I say the line, “Shyness is nice but shyness could stop you from doing all the things in life you’d like to.” When he said “doing all the things in life”, he really meant “doing all of the people.” Shyness is truly the ultimate sex block for most people. Imagine how many partners could’ve been yours if you had just grown a pair and talked to them. We’re so terrified of rejection that we never actually allow ourselves to be rejected. We just sit there and reject ourselves. Shyness: 1. Your ability to have sex with someone: 0.
  2. Let us now jump to the queen of promiscuity, XXXtina, when she says in “Genie In A Bottle” that her body is saying let’s go but her heart is saying no! Cheesiness aside, this is super relatable and happens to almost everyone every time they get drunk. “Oh my god, I want to have sex with the balding dude at the club so bad! But I won’t! Because I’m a genie in a bottle and he’s probably going to rub me the wrong way!” Standards prevent you from getting laid. This is all well and good, but don’t be surprised when you haven’t gotten any in months.
  3. You’re in a #dark place with your body. You feel fat and undesirable. You totally get why you aren’t getting laid! But that kind of thinking is dangerous. If you think you’re hideous, chances are others will pick up on that and not be attracted to you. In order for someone to want to sleep with you, you sort of have to want to sleep with yourself. You have to look in the mirror and be like, “Okay, whatever. I’d do me, I guess.” This isn’t being conceited. This is allowing good vibes to come into your life and eventually land on some babe. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but confidence IS sexy. It’s just sort of a catch-22 because we get a lot of confidence from people having sex with us. They, in turn, feed off that confidence and want to do us more. However, if we aren’t getting any, we probably aren’t feeling the best about ourselves, which people pick up on and shy away. Ideally, we need to feel good about ourselves whether or not we’re getting laid, but let’s be real here. That’s a really hard thing to do.
  4. You’re not over the last person you slept with. I’ve said it here before that the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but that’s always easier said than done. Sometimes there’s comfort in knowing that the last person you slept with was someone you cared about. In a sick way, it keeps you bonded together. But it’s not healthy. No sir. This person has implicit ownership over your body and you need to get their spirit out of you! Once you sleep with someone else, you’ll feel cleansed.
  5. You live with your parents still. That doesn’t exactly set the mood, does it? If you’re still co-habitating with them, you’re probably not going out of your way to have sex. In fact, you live in the least sexy place ever. Your address might as well be 666 Don’t Have Sex With Me Here Avenue. Do yourself a favor and move out ASAP so you can knock boots again.
  6. You’re not trying hard enough. This seems to be the most obvious reason of the bunch. Having sex with someone requires a little bit of effort. When we’re in school, we get spoiled because situations/people literally fall into our laps. But as we get older, you actually have to put ourselves out there more and not rely so much on serendipity or meeting through friends of friends.
  7. You’re not on OKCupid. Okay, I’m half-kidding with this one but also not really. Anyone who is on that site is having so much sex. It’s hard to accept but it’s true. Should we all just join? Should we say okay to OKCupid?
  8. You live in New York City. No one has sex here. We just talk about it a lot and pretend we do but it’s a lie. Rumors of our promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. Thanks Sex and the City!
  9. You’re average looking. Average looking people fall through the cracks. Ugly people shack up with other ugly people and the gorgeous ones sleep with other equally hot people. Meanwhile, average people are sent scrambling. Sometimes we sleep with the hot person and sometimes we get stuck with someone really unattractive. We get the shaft in the mating dance.
image – Wikipedia

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Nine Reasons Why You Aren’t Getting Laid is cataloged in , , , , , , , , ,
  • Seikel

    Or you live in a place that is opposite you.  Like preppy in cowtown. sigh.

  • Michael

    one reason why i am not getting laid
    1. i am in love with you

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      seems bleak, mang

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        super bleak.

      • Michael

        so bleak it is #dark

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        2011: #dark-est summer of our lives?

  • http://twitter.com/514blog 514blog

    ol li {
        margin: 0 0 1em;
    }

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    #3 is particularly true. I watched a TED talk once where the lady said something like, “If you think you look good in an outfit, then odds are you do. And if you don’t think you look good, you probably don’t. So if you think you look good, there is no outfit you can’t pull off.” I thought this was kind of hyperbolic and there must have been exceptions to the rule (like that heinous-looking knit scarf your friend thinks look awesome and it just doesn’t work), but really, 99% of the time it IS true.

    As for #1…I dunno, I always thought shyness was just as adorable as confidence. I didn’t think that was kinky, but…now I suppose it is?

    • Anonymous

      What you like isn’t shyness, it’s an attempt (probably adorably stammering/fumbled) by a shy person to overcome that shyness by talking to you, which is actually confidence if you really think about it. You can’t really be attracted to shyness itself because it will always manifest itself as a person standing off by themselves/hiding/otherwise not making themselves known to you, so by its practical definition shyness isn’t something you can see and find adorable. That’s why it’s such a killer, romance-wise. Sad but true.

  • http://www.candicepayne.com Candice

    10. I’m married.

    • Calla

      #DARK

      • Ryan

        Yeah, that’s should be #2, and #1 is, “I’m married with young children.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Megan-Shafer/1169280047 Megan Shafer

    stop posting such good articles. you stop it right now! my facebook friends, twitter and tumblr followers are all gonna get bored when all i do is post links to your stuff!

  • Rob

    This is not very encouraging.

  • lars

    please stop the #dark thing.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

      Please don’t stop the #dark thing. I love it.

      • Guest

        NEVER STOP

        CAN’T STOP #dark

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        what is pound dark?

    • lars

      addendum: i love this piece. i just don’t love #dark.

      • http://www.candicepayne.com Candice

        Have just been convinced to start using #dark. Sharing this comment to Twitter to cement the fact.

  • Sammy G

    Reason I’m Not Getting Laid:
    The boyfriend lives 6 hours away. :(

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      OKCupid: where you can find them man-ho’s in your zipcode.

  • Guest

    OKC is a magical gateway to fuckland

  • http://twitter.com/rmnks ramnik s.

    lol #9. average looking people do get the shaft.
    please never stop the #dark thing.

  • xra

    3 is pretty true, on the other hand 5 never stopped me

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    Damnit! I must be average looking! It all makes sense now. 

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      But you have money, so that’s got to count for something!

  • boss

    DAMN IT. #1 was my wake up call =/ I really am way to shy

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    All of these reasons are incredibly true. This is a lot to handle on a Monday, Ryan.

  • Guest

    God…I’m like #1, #3,  and well #7 but I’ll never be on OKCupid so…
    This was fun.

  • Guest

    God…I’m like #1, #3,  and well #7 but I’ll never be on OKCupid so…
    This was fun.

  • http://twitter.com/grace865 Grace Lin

    #9, sure, but why’d you shift from “you” to “we”? 

    the average crowd sure as hell does not include you :-P

  • Anonymous

    I usually play that Morrissey song in my head on my way to job interviews. Duh, I feel like an idiot for never relating that to getting laid. 

  • Anonymous

    I usually play that Morrissey song in my head on my way to job interviews. Duh, I feel like an idiot for never relating that to getting laid. 

    • Anonymous

      Oh, I’m not an idiot.

  • li miinnn

    “Sometimes there’s comfort in knowing that the last person you slept with was someone you cared about. In a sick way, it keeps you bonded together. But it’s not healthy. No sir. This person has implicit ownership over your body and you need to get their spirit out of you!”
    ^ i relate to this.

  • http://xtothequ.tumblr.com xq

    ryan, you know everything.

  • Nicki

    Even though it’s easier to meet people to have sex with in college, everyone goes home/studies abroad in the summer. So while I got action during the school year, now I get to sit around and be sad because my significant other is in another country!

    • Ohheythere

      True daat.

  • http://www.facebook.com/justincharles Justin Charles

    4 out of 9. God help me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/justincharles Justin Charles

    4 out of 9. God help me.

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