How To Be Horny

Have it come on unexpectedly. You’re eating a Subway sandwich with your friend when all of a sudden, you want to have sex with someone. You try to avoid it by focusing intently on your sandwich. Yummy. Pickles, turkey, lettuce, naked flesh, private parts, mustard. Darn it! You’re looking at chipotle mayo and getting aroused. Why must life be so cruel? If you’re a dude, you might start to get an erection. If this happens, begin to think about unsexy things like dead cats and Ke$ha. Ew. Ke$ha rolling around with dead cats. Sick. Oh no, it’s growing bigger! WTF?! Realize you might have to excuse yourself to run home and masturbate. If you’re having lunch with someone who is on that level with you, you can just say, “I have to go home and masturbate.” They’ll understand. “Go do you, babe!”, they’ll call to you as you run out the door. But if it’s like your aunt or ex-girlfriend, you might have to be like, “Um, I’m not feeling well. Bye.”

It’s not exactly a lie. Needing to release your horniness is kind of like being sick. It infects your mind and body quickly and it can’t go away until you take care of business. If you have someone next to you who is willing to have sex, you’re in luck! But most people don’t have that at 2 in the afternoon. You know what they have instead? A Wifi connection! So rush home and log on to get off (That’s what it says on Xtube anyway).

Go through the different kinds of fantasies. Do you want Bad Doctor, Bad Teacher, Bad Delivery Boy, or (ew!) Bad Second Cousin?! Go through a multitude of videos and click out of them within ten seconds. Feel the tension building. Have your cell phone ring and put it immediately on silent. Time has stopped for your vagina or penis. There is nothing else in the world right now besides your private parts, your hand, and this video of a sexy pizza party.

Have your mind go to some really weird places. Think to yourself, “If someone just came into my apartment right now, I would have sex with them. There would be no standards. If they had a pulse and the right genitalia, I would want to sleep with them.” It’s sort of disgusting but in that moment, nothing feels more true.

Get frustrated that you can’t find the right porn. Also be careful of cumming too quickly. Stumble on a good video but realize you’re going to finish in 2.5 seconds if you watch it. “No, I must save this orgasm for just a little while longer. It’s not ready to come out yet. Put it back in the oven because it ain’t done.”

Feel like a legit wild animal. Wonder if you’re still the same person who was eating that Subway sandwich thirty minutes ago. Where is that guy? Where is that guy who needs to go to the post office later to send a package to their mom? Um, that guy is temporarily dead. That guy wasn’t horny and getting turned on by the sight of soggy lettuce.

Freak out about the power of horniness. It morphs you, makes you do and think unmentionable things. You’ve lost control. Your genitalia is now driving your Life bus and it’s going to take you to some strange places.

Finally find a porn that is just right. Watch your body respond with excitement to the visuals. Close your eyes. You’ve been swallowed up and nothing else matters until you climax.

Have either a great orgasm or a weak one. Bad orgasms are the worst. All of that build up for a pathetic whimper. It’s probably just your body’s way of telling you to get laid. It’s saying, “Excuse me but you’ve been working me overtime lately. Can you just get someone else in the equation so I can take a damn break?”

When it’s over, everything will come rapidly back to life. Time will resume again. You’ll no longer have tunnel vision. Quickly click out of the porn, button your pants and check your phone to see who called. Laugh to yourself thinking about how just thirty seconds ago, you were someone who was desperate to get off. Now you’re making a business call and wondering if there’s any of your Subway sandwich left. You’re fucking starving.