The Different Kinds Of Hipsters There Are

The Hipster Heartbreaker

Source: Thomas Peter Schulz

What They’re About: Hipster heartbreakers are total dreamboat babes. They’re kind of too hot to be even called hipster but because it’s such an all-encompassing term, we must include them. They get laid more often than they listen to Loveless by My Bloody Valentine. They behave like aloof assholes, but we forgive them because we want to fuck them. Tread carefully though. After they bed you, they’ll disappear in a cloud of “I’m out of your league.”

Fashion Sense: Anything that obscures their secretly hot body. Long flannels, potato sack dresses etc. Getting them naked is like a nice surprise. Hey hipster girl hey!

Celeb Comparison: Mary-Kate Olsen smoking cigarettes and not giving a fuck with Michael Pitt talking about Basquiat or some shit.

Preferred Hangout Spot: Your bedroom.

Drug of Choice: Coke. It keeps them thin and makes them act even more like an asshole.

Favorite Bands: Their own. They’re the lead singer, duh!

The D.I.Y. Hipster

What They’re About: These people usually live in places like Portland, Santa Cruz, Olympia or Northampton. They love Etsy, read Bust and make mittens to wear in 80 degree weather. They’re usually vegan too and drink lots of Kombucha and have potlucks and I’m falling asleep.

Fashion Sense: Someone’s who about to keel over and die. Think senior citizen with lots of weird patchwork and sun bonnets. Grandpa sweaters.

Celeb Comparison: Miranda July writing short stories about swimming pools in the leafy shade of her porch.

Preferred Hangout Spot: Coffee shops, craft fairs and bake sales.

Drug of Choice: Weed and opium tea.

Favorite Bands: Belle & Sebastian, Camera Obscura and Marianne Faithful.

The Hippie Hipster

What They’re About: The Hippie Hipster is super similar to the D.I.Y. Hipster. They probably even hang out with each other IRL. But The Hippie Hipster is way more annoying, judgmental, and faux-spiritual. They like to live drama free lives and spread positivity, but in reality, they write people off for simple things like eating meat and reading celebrity tabloids. They also can be really into conspiracy theories which is the worst!

Fashion Sense: Um, they have none. Ripped jeans, tie dye shirts, ratty tank tops, hemp.

Celeb Comparison: Devendra Banhart talking to Joanna Newsom about the trees.

Preferred Hangout Spot: Forests, campgrounds, Coachella, and Humboldt.

Drug of Choice: Hallucinogens.

Favorite Bands: Manu Chao and Animal Collective.

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Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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