1. Fever To Tell by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ debut album Fever to Tell is a perfect sex record for couples who are in love but still like to get kinky. It starts out fast and furious with dirty guitar riffs and Karen O’s raw vocals which serve as the perfect accompaniment to your own moans and (possibly) growls. It’d actually be super fun to see if you could synchronize your orgasm noises with Karen O’s (and by super fun, I mean very weird and don’t do it). As you finish ravaging each other, the album slows down with “Maps” and “Modern Romance”—two epic sweet love songs that will have you being like, “I love you babe” after you’ve just said “Fuck me hard.” I lost my virginity to this record and had to muster up all of my self-control to not say, “Wait, they don’t love you like I love you” to my boyfriend afterwards.
2. Crazy For You by Best Coast
Best Coast’s Crazy For You is the perfect sex record for twee couples who aren’t actually that sexual. They just like to stare in each other’s eyes and play with the buttons on their cardigans and make out and do some heavy petting. It’s a record for hipster Barbies and Kens. Underneath all that American Apparel, there’s a bleeding heart instead of a vagina or a penis. But really, this record is actually super fun to make out to. Just be careful about who it’s with. Making out with your crush to a song that goes,”I wish he was my boyfriend” might come off as a little desperado.
3. Live Through This by Hole
I imagine this to be the ideal sex record for riot grrrl lesbians. They’re hooking up in the bedroom of a house in Portland and they’re being serenaded by Courtney Love’s screams. “Violet” is a good song to listen to when you’re using a strap-on and “Doll Parts” will be that moment when you’ll be like, “So should we move in together?”
4. Lover’s Rock by Sade
Ok, first off: Fuck you. Secondly, stop laughing. Sade is the sexual shit. I may have put her on accidentally/on purpose a few times when I’ve been with a dude. There’s that initial moment of “Are we really hooking up to Sade?” and then it fades and you’re listening to “By My Side” and feeling compelled to do all of these tender romantic things you wouldn’t ordinarily do. Sade turns everyone into a little bitch. Just try to be a cold lover while listening to her music. It’s impossible. Learn it, live it, sex it.
5. Loveless by My Bloody Valentine
Loveless is the sex record for drug addicts. They’re the couple who draws their blinds, spends all day doing pills or heroin or whatever, and tries to have sex with each other but keeps falling asleep before anything can take off. It’s the dark side of sex. It’s the sex that’s not actually sex. If you’re boning to this record, you might need to go to rehab and listen to some pop songs or something.
6. The Milk-Eyed Mender by Joanna Newsom
If you’re having sex to this record (and you know some people are), you need to stay away from me. Joanna Newsom’s voice is the ultimate bonkerkill. She’s the opposite of oysters on a warm summer night by the beach. She’s a chastity belt, a virgin, a giant harp where there should be sexuality. The sound of her voice causes me to instantly deflate and consider becoming a monk.
7. Dummy by Portishead
This is the go-to sex record as far as I’m concerned because Portishead basically invented sex. Listening to their music just transports you to that sexy place. It can even be hot when you’re by yourself. It makes you feel like you’re having sex with “Glory Box” instead of by yourself in bed where there used to be a living breathing person who wanted to have sex with you.
8. Ready To Die by The Notorious B.I.G.
Ready to Die doesn’t fuck around. When it comes to having sex to it, you should know that it means business. It wants to have sex with you all night long and maybe take you places you’ve never been before. Don’t be nervous. Let Biggie take you there.
9. Classical Music
I have mixed feelings about having sex to Beethoven or Bach. Like I’m obsessed because it can be cute and mellow and soft, but I’m also depressed because it can make the sex become a giant snoozefest. Save classical music for when you’re older and sex has become this weird thing you have to do sometimes.
If your playlist or album runs out before you’re finished having sex with someone, it can be even sexier. The sounds of silence (or sex noises) have the ability to be transcendent and make you feel realer and more human than you’ve ever felt before. It’s just you and the sex. STRIPPED. Ew. I want to have sex.