Dear Gay Dude: I Think My Gay Friend Wants To Bone Me

Dear Gay Dude,

Recently, a good friend of mine and former roommate, who happens to be gay, made a pass at me through a facebook message. He knows that I’m straight and threw in, “two thoughts: I want you to be gay, and I want you to be my boyfriend.” Does that mean he respects my straightness and just wants to put it out there? Is he joking?

I responded with a simple and generic message about being flattered and that I wish I had the same response from women. Unfortunately, I broke up with my girlfriend and have been in a dry spell. With extra time on my hands the ambiguous message has lead to some over analyzing.

This could just be common sense talking, but maybe the dude is just horny as hell. He’s been in the Peace Corps in bum fuck Africa for the past 2 years. Unfortunately for him, homosexuality is REALLY looked down upon over there and he has not been able to get so much as a handski in the bush.

I don’t want things to get weird so I’ve already made plans to see him when he gets back to the states. Ironically, I think we’re going to the Chicago pride parade in June. Why not? He’s gay and I’m down with equality and like to have a good time as much as anyone.

What is the proper way to handle the situation? My instinct is to just not bring it up and play it by ear.

-Thanks for Playing but Not Interested

Dear Thanks for Playing but Not Interested,

Last night I saw this film called Heartbeats which is about a gay boy and his best girlfriend who vie for the affections of this ambiguous Adonis. Throughout the movie, they create a kind of love triangle and in the end, the gay boy professes his love to the dude and ends up getting totally rejected. Even though the babe has been flirty towards him, he acts shocked and says, “What would ever make you think I was straight?” Ouch. The point of this reference is to illustrate the complicated relationships gay boys often have with straight men. Why is it so complicated? Maybe it’s because, as a gay guy, you encounter your fair share of sexually confused straight dudes. You get a crush on them and then after a night of whiskey and revealing conversation, the straight guy is totally hooking up with you. At the time it may seem wonderful and daring, but the gay guy usually gets fucked in the end (figuratively and literally} because he freaks out afterwards, deletes the friendship and runs back into the arms of warm safe vagina. I’ve been with three straight guys myself, and today they all have girlfriends and are kind of scared of me. I don’t know what to really say other than, being straight is sometimes gay.

I’m not insinuating that you led your gay friend on at all. I’m just saying it’s tricky. Crushes develop and gay men want to test the Kinsey scale. Personally, when I befriend a straight guy, I’m hypersensitive to making them feel comfortable which is kind of screwed up. But it’s because I feel like every straight guy thinks a gay dude wants to fuck them, and it’s so annoying. They view us as these sexual piranhas who just want to get them drunk so we can take advantage. To that I say, you fucking wish. I also don’t like it when a straight guy becomes close with a gay dude to show just how evolved he is. “Look, I have a gay friend. Aren’t I so modern sexy cool? It’s crazy because he likes dick and I don’t! Wild!”

OMG sorry, I’m not talking about you. Your gay friend actually told you he wanted to be your BF so your concerns are actually rooted in reality. What he said was definitely inappropriate. Maybe he was hoping that a sliver of you would be like, “Well, I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be with a dude…” which you obviously don’t  My advice is to just drop it. He’s already probably shame spiraling about the fact that you gracefully turned him down. If he starts making gross sexy comments to you at Pride just be like, “You’re making me uncomfortable, okay? I love you but I don’t want to sleep with you.” Oh dear, I hope it doesn’t come to that. That would be very traumatizing to the both of you.

I think you’re going to handle this like a champ. You seem like a levelheaded guy and…kind of sexy too. Gee, do you wanna maybe get a glass of wine and talk about this further? I’m really good with straight guys. J/K!!!!


Gay Dude TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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    This is a problem many young men, of all sexual stripes, deal with every day. Thank you for addressing it.

    Oh, and I'm the gay friend mentioned in the letter from Thanks for Playing but Not Interested. It was worth a shot.


    This is a problem many young men, of all sexual stripes, deal with every day. Thank you for addressing it.

    Oh, and I'm the gay friend mentioned in the letter from Thanks for Playing but Not Interested. It was worth a shot.

  • Kelvin Lee

    I guess I'm “one of those now” but I was going to see that movie, wish you hadn't blown the plot… Sage advice tho, for straighties and gays alike.

  • Erik Stinson

    “I want you to be straight, and I want you to play video games with you.”

  • eric

    handski in the bush hahahaha, this is great

  • Daniel Schealler

    Takes me back.

    I've had the hilarious distinction of being hit on by very attractive gay men in front of some of my female friends only to gracefully turn them down – only to be followed up with the receiving end of a set of catty bitch-claws of envy.


  • Carlos Ortiz

    “a gay boy and his best girlfriend who vie for the affections of this ambiguous Adonis. Throughout the movie, they create a kind of love triangle and in the end, the gay boy professes his love to the dude and ends up getting totally rejected. Even though the babe has been flirty towards him, he acts shocked and says, “What would ever make you think I was straight?” Ouch.”
    I found this recap confusing.
    Other than that I enjoyed the piece .

    Except that your solution seems potentially grim, I think talking about it would be better, I think talking about things openly and truthfully and applying reason is theoretically the best way to 'solve' the problem, or any relationship problem, but I wouldn't know empirically as I usually feel I lack the 'human' ability to do so.

    I mean I think it's possible for gay men to develop slightly obsessive crushes like I've had, and keep them hidden from most of the world until contact has been broken off almost entirely, so that dynamic could be a possibility and you(str8 guy) would be to think of if you are ok with that, I mean if you're “all down with pride” you should be OK with a man liking you, if not flattered.
    I guess it comes down to whether you think your gay friend can handle being in that situation or whether he'll become neurotic and a pain in the ass and if you think he's a good enough friend to deal with that if you don't feel like it is something easy to talk about.

    'Gay men are picky' is a meme so whenever I think of how to feel towards advances from gay men (that they're always illegal doesn't help) I veer towards remote positivity, like if you donated money online to an overseas charity for children and a kid got $5 but you're the kid in the analogy and your sense of attractiveness is the currency.

    I don't have any gay friends that I know of, but I don't have many friends at all, but I know this guy who I am pretty sure is gay and in a 'transparent closet' which is deemed off-limits in an 'unwritten' manner between the circle we inhabit, and the only thing I thought was “he probably thinks I'm cool cause he's all upper-class 'mexi-pseudo-faux-hipster' and I'm into things with 'impressionable trendster' cred but I'm much more authentic and 'high-brow' and 'real'.
    It's good to feel real, when you are me. It's not all the time.

    I never thought he was into me, I never think anyone is into me. I have this 'blurry' self-image and I never really consider myself physically attractive or physically unnatractive, sometimes when I would try to rate me in an honest 1-10 scale within the possibility of attractiveness I would settle for an un-scientific (and thus, to me, of almost no reliability and a guess) 8.
    I didn't know what to feel about that, I wish I was a 9?
    So I really don't think of myself in that way, like Morrissey? No not like him cause he got tons of attention by women, I think if I had that reinforcement I could maybe feel attractive, though I have had instances where a hot girl (within the bounds of what I generally consider attractive) is into me and I still don't feel anything.

    So that's two experiments we can try, you can talk to your friend and if he's attracted to you tell him that you are absolutely straight and will never be interested in anything sexual with another man because that's how you're biologically wired, but that you feel flattered (I think you theoretically should, like you don't have to feel it just have it in awareness, because I think having a good self-image is positive) and if you were gay it would have already happened, it is supposed to make him feel better about himself and is possibly true if you're friends after all, wouldn't you want to go out with someone cool like him (if he's your friend you should think he's at least alright to hang with) or some lame asshole? (not taking your respective generally accepted-level of 'attractiveness' (which is a factor in human relationships based in attraction) in account because it doesn't matter as he already thinks he's attractive enough to make you think about it.
    See if your relationship strenghtens and you both end up with something unique and genuine.

    And I could ask like a bunch of girls to answer honestly what they rate me in a 0-10 scale, but I'd have to try and figure out a system that encourages earnestness and honesty, then I'd have to probe a very large selection before I'm satisfied with an average, and then I'll see whether I feel shitty or good.

  • George Darroch

    Totally been there. Can only lead to disaster. Unless you both end up getting drunk and naked, it ain't gonna happen. Put it down now.

  • Fag

    Dude I hate to break it to you but you are also totally gay. Just come out of the closet already.

  • Hairyyoungdaddy

    I am in a similar situation but from the gay side. I saw this ‘straight guy’ 7 years ago at a local gym, he was very attractive but was portraying a sense of bossiness and arrogance. We both avoided each other. He turned a couple of people against me. I remained calm, kept myself very attractive and befriended evryone else but this lot who were not happy with me. Rumour spread about my good qualities and how I was different. I am ineast africa by the way and people see me as a very friendly and a very daring person. sometimes i am envied upon to the point of them probably wishing they we as free as me. I am out to just people i meet from the west and a couple of my african friends. a new gym opened closer to his home. He moved there, i remained at the same one i went to before. two years later i see him on the street with a child in his arms and his wife beside him. I had some rude awakenings all night. I left it at that. during the last 7 years he has tried to say hello (just an arrogant nod) like twenty times. I have ignored him. Forget that, it will never work.

    five years later, he started coming to the same gym we met at first. Karma. I have completely ignored him. He with other married guys whom I have never spoken to before, who give me hate/envy looks. I can see his frustration oozing out of all his holes. Naturally I am having sleepless nights (it is now 1.30am) and am sure he is having some too except his wife is probably snoring beside him, my bed is empty. …

    Bottom line, there is no way out here. I have no alternative but to just love my naked power play. If i befriend him, I will never be able to take the emotional expression to a sustainable physical form (not necessarily fucking – gay relationships are NOT all about FUCKING).

    I mean…what will I do? say hi, pass by his shop, his wife has travelled…we meet, when she is back…no communication….

    Baby, I am too precious to play second fiddle. I am gold, the more i am left, the higher my value becomes. It is a fantastic feeling.

    Suppose he was actually gay (I am doubting that), then he chose the married route and continue pleasing his society. It is guys like these who have screwed our compatibilities up. They should suffer.

    Dast ist alles.

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