Sometimes people choose to stay and keep fighting, even when they are so broken they don’t know if they will ever feel whole again. Sometimes people decide to give someone another chance even though they probably don’t deserve it.
And if she does, if she looks past all of the lies and the pain and chooses your future, chooses you, even though you repeatedly don’t choose her, change.
Accept that this journey you’re both about to embark on is going to be hard. Some days it will feel like hell. It will feel unfixable; it will feel like she is never going to forgive you. And maybe she won’t, but she’s trying.
She’s given you a second chance to prove you are worth all of the time and effort she has put into this relationship so you need to show up, stand up, and take responsibility for once in your damn life.
There will be days when she’s so consumed by her thoughts, by that deep, intense pain which lingers inside of her that she won’t say a single word. She will nod in response to ‘are you okay?’ Even though she’s not, even though she’s so far from it, she isn’t sure there’s a way back. She will feel that sting of tears desperate to fall whenever a couple kisses on screen and feel that sickness and anxiety bubbling in her stomach. She will see that other girl’s face when you press your lips to hers and wonder what it felt like to betray her. She will get flashes of the two of you coursing through her mind whenever it drifts and feel as if she is crumbling.
She will forget what it’s like to be steady.
But she won’t tell you, silly boy, she will never let you know every terrible thought which races through her mind or just how much her heart hurts. She won’t want to cause you pain even though you never made that decision for her, even though in that split second, you didn’t think about her or what the consequences would be, you only thought about yourself and what you wanted.
She won’t wake you up in the middle of the night when the thoughts are drowning her, when everything inside of her feels heavy and tight and the world feels as if it is falling apart. No, instead she will roll over to your side of the bed and slide her arms around your body and nestle into your warmth.
She will hold on to you for dear life, even though you are the one thing which made her lose control. Because even when you break her, even when you tear her apart, she will believe you are the only thing which can put her back together.
She will hate herself for it, curse herself, lose tears because it is confusing and messy and complicated and she doesn’t know a way out.
So don’t fight back when she screams and shouts and cries at you, don’t push your guilt on to her and make her believe more of your lies. Don’t make excuses for what you did or just sit in silence because you know anything you say will only make her hurt more. Do not walk away; do not leave her crying because you can’t bear to look at what you have done.
Stay—just like she has. Fight—just like she is. Apologize—Even if you already have a million times. Do it again.
Wipe away her tears and tell her that she’s beautiful, that you are an idiot, that you made a mistake, and that you will never do it again. Tell her you love her whilst looking in her eyes, hold her when she falls.
Take note of her mood, watch her as it she sits beside you, listen for the quiet and just reassure her. Let her know that you are there and you aren’t going anywhere. Keep her steady.
But above all, mean it.
Don’t promise her more things you can’t keep. Don’t agree to a life full of honesty and love and reassurance if you can’t provide it. Know your limits, know hers too. Know that if you are going to break someone, you have to rebuild them.
Rebuild them in a million different ways on a million different days. Wake her with fresh coffee and a kiss on her forehead. Surprise her with trips to the theatre or that restaurant she has always wanted to go to but felt it was too pricey. Bring her roses after a terrible day and run her a hot bath when she gets home from work. Write love notes and leave them around the house, scrawl cute messages on the mirror after your shower and hold her hand when she can’t settle.
Just be the man she once believed you were.
Because she has loved you ever since that first day she saw you, she has forever chosen your side when people have told her to quit you. Because she believes in fairy tales and romance and hell, that’s what she deserves. Because you told her you loved her and now she doesn’t even know what that means. Because even when you finally tell her the truth, when you take a piece of her, she still wants you, needs you, loves you.
Because you don’t get second chances all that often, because girls like her just don’t exist anymore, because if you lose her you will never forgive yourself.
Because she’s worth it. She’s so damn worth it.