I’m running out of a fight to put up:

To unrealistic expectations,

I’m tired of trying so hard to please you and I am tired of constantly falling short. I am tired of feeling anxious every time the phone rings and your name shows up. I am tired of defending myself to you. I am tired of feeling defeated after our every conversation. I am tired of being reminded I cannot live up to your expectations. I am tired of my desire for a relationship with you leaving me so exhausted. I am running out of a fight to put up.

To my life,

I am tired of waking up to panic attacks. I am tired of battling through every day- a battle I do not even know if I want to fight. I am tired of one thing after another. I am tired of it not getting better. I am tired of continuing to try, just to constantly be beaten down by you again. I am running out of a fight to put up.

To my past,

I am tired of thinking about you. I am tired of letting the way you treated me affect every other relationship I pursue. I am tired of reminding myself how much better I am without you because of the kind of person you are. I am tired of trying to forget who we could have been. I am tired of the consequences of your actions. I am running out of a fight to put up in order to handle you.

To who I thought I could be,

I am tired of comparing myself to you. I am tired of not being able to handle how well you have it together and the place you are in that I am not.  I am tired of feeling like I let myself down because of the idea of you. I am running out of a fight to put up in order to be you.

To my expectations,

I am tired of allowing you to lead to so much disappointment. I am tired of knowing I may never live up to you. I am tired of you being unrealistic and relentless. I am tired of your constant lists and your demands. I am tired of the downfall that comes when I cannot meet you. I am running out of a fight to fend off your anxiety attacks.

To myself,

I am tired of knowing you won’t give up- that you could never; that is not who you are. I am tired of not knowing if you are not giving up because of yourself or because of your constant fear of letting everyone down. I am tired of realizing you are hanging on for everyone else’s sake but not your own. I am tired of you not knowing that you can and you will. That you are just fine and that one day soon you will know what to do and you will have it under as much control as you so desire.