1. The I-don’t-have-a-boyfriend jean.
Here’s a thought: How about we don’t make single people feel any more worthless than they already area? Because — call me crazy — but that seems to be the intention of the “boyfriend” jean. Another thought: the name “boyfriend jean” implies jeans typically meant for guys, but worn by girls, and thus effectively shuts out the entire male sex. What’s more: by dint of its name, it further excludes any women who are either gay or don’t currently have a boyfriend. And herein lies the ultimate fault of the term “boyfriend jean.” It’s when I don’t have a boyfriend that I forge a stronger relationship with my muumuu, and thus feel more suited for these loose-fitting, dad-like jeans.
More accurate would be to call these the I-don’t-have-a-boyfriend jean. And a more equitable title too.
2. All-inclusive wear.
With resort collections gradually making their ways into stores, it’s got me thinking. The idea that I might be taking holiday at some resort in the French West Indies is a lovely one. Even more lovely is to assume that I would prepare for this holiday by taking refuge in all of the fine resort collections — Prada, say, or Marc Jacobs, Louis Vuitton and Fendi. But neither of these scenarios really appeal to me, in part because they’re so unrealistic and in moments of weakness I become instinctively defensive. And anyway, I find the prospect of splurging on things like hotel slippers, terrycloth jumpsuits, XXXL Cinderella-themed t-shirts and zinc oxide to be exceedingly more appealing. It’s my version of resort wear; the all-inclusive collections, as I’ll call them, and considerably more apt for the holiday I’ll be taking this year at the Ramada Inn in Tampa, Florida.
3. Beanie Babies.
Beanie Babies certainly had their moment, but could they stand the test of time? No, they couldn’t. Try giving a little boy a Beanie Baby now and, after realizing it’s actually not a wireless modem for his iPad, he will, I imagine, look at you in disgust. And it wouldn’t be his fault either; it’s the natural progression of our increasingly spoiled society. All I ask is that we face the facts and allow “beanie babies” the second life they deserve — as a beanie company…for babies. Think about it: one’s head is at its most sensitive when one is first born; if there’s anyone deserving of a beanie’s embrace, it’s got to be a baby.
4. The JV or intramurals jacket.
And the counterpart to the varsity jacket. Let’s be clear: it’s not the style of the varsity jacket that I take issue with as much as the term “varsity jacket.” It’s been nearly 8 years since I graduated from high school, yet thanks to the “varsity jacket” I’m met with daily reminders of my perennial JV-and-intramurals athletic ability. Sure I’d LIKE to forget about my 8th grade cut from the basketball team. But that’s almost impossible when every Tom, Dick and Harry from Bushwick to the West Village are shoving their well-tailored varsity jacket in my face. And, yes, I’d like to stop recalling failed attempts at varsity lacrosse, but again: NOT so simple when you’re inhaling the armpit of a photographer’s varsity jacket while on the 6 train.
I’m not so sure what they would look like, these JV and intramural jackets… They could be carbon copies of the varsity jacket for all I care. All I ask is that we not carry our high-school-sports-team pride with us for the rest of our lives.
5. [Insert drug that isn’t heroin here] chic.
It’s just weird that we’d allow “heroin chic” to be a legitimate style and term in fashion without taking any other types of drugs under our wing. Of all of the drugs you can take and still look decent, heroin is arguably the worst. Why not coin a style or look that’s reminiscent of a less lethal drug?
But first, let us back up for a second: to be clear, nothing is chic about drugs. But with “heroin chic” already an accepted term in fashion, one feels compelled to state the obvious: that weed, alcohol and NyQuil can be just as chic too. Because unless “chic” here means noxious, then surely there are some other, less DEADLY drugs that can engender an equally “chic” effect.
Weed chic, for instance, might look a little messy, a little gluttonous, with a pinch of tired eyes. While NyQuil chic would tout a puffy face and the rage of a truck driver.
6. The I-need-to-quit-smoking jacket.
We think of a smoking jacket and Hugh Hefner comes to mind – some dignified, possibly predatory, but no doubt successful, older man with a pipe hanging from his mouth and hair that could only be described as aristocratic silver. Yet in reality, the correlation between smoking and this style of jacket is entirely arbitrary.
When, in the 17th century, silks were first being imported into Europe from places like India and Asia, silk robes grew in popularity among men. Eventually, the style of these robes evolved and, by the 19th century, looked more like the shorter smoking jacket we think of today. It just so happened that the popularity of this style of jacket solidified at a time when Turkish tobacco started gaining popularity in England and, eventually, smoking in general. It thus became customary for men t that time to finish off dinner in another room with their smoking jacket and a pipe or a cigar.
But in the years since, one would think the name of the jacket would change. One would think that, with the discovery that smoking kills, it might not be the smartest idea to romanticize smoking with a voraciously comfortable and opulent-looking jacket. But one would be wrong.
With the I-need-to-quit-smoking jacket, I intend to change this. The jacket can be just as silky as the traditional “smoking jacket” and just as expensive too, if need be. But it will be made with certain necessities; for instance its design will be not too different from that of a straight jacket so as to make smoking a much more difficult endeavor.
We’ve all heard of streetwear – brands like Supreme and BAPE that were born out of skateboard culture. And we’ve certainly seen grotesque appropriations of it as of late. So too have we seen the ever-expanding and increasingly evasive definition of street style. But what we maybe haven’t noticed is the underlying theme that’s present in all of this: the indisputable move away from skateboarding and traditional streetwear, and towards a hobo, I-live-on-the-streets vibe. And it’s important we learn to differentiate the two.
8. The real high pony.
High ponies can certainly be cute, but rarely does that outweigh the sore scalp and cold ears it tends to leave us with. The real high pony, on the other hand, requires only that we be high and attempt a ponytail – no more, no less. Any style of pony will do. And I imagine it soothes in all the ways the traditional high pony doesn’t.