It’s been almost a year since we last saw each other, and things have drastically changed since then. I mean, we’re going through a global pandemic for starters. One thing that’s remained constant ever since is the question of if I really do love you. I’ve never known the answer to this, not when we first kissed and not now when I’m barely even sure of myself anymore. This is probably because I’ve never told you how much you mean to me, as a friend or otherwise. So, here are a bunch of things I wish I had the courage to say to you in person, but I don’t think I ever will.

1. I miss you. I know I don’t show it or say it, but I really do. With all my heart. More on some days than others, but the feeling’s always lurking. Like how you find an old earring at the bottom of your purse sometimes that you thought you’d never find again. I don’t think I have any other metaphor that could explain how I feel.

2. I hate how you play so hard to get. I know you do this because you’ve told me a million times how you do it to other girls. Maybe it’s just in my head; maybe you don’t think of this the way I do, but would it kill you to text me back sooner?

3. It’s so damn difficult to read you with your bad boy attitude and Mr. Mystery Man ways. We’ve been friends for years and I see through all your games. You still go ahead and do everything you do, probably because you know no other way. The worst part is that I can’t even blame you. It’s one of the things that’s got me hooked on you.

4. Our first kiss is still fresh in my mind. And all the other ones after that too. It’s not easy getting all those memories out of my system. It felt so perfect in that moment. It was wrong, but it felt like it was long overdue, like it should’ve happened ages ago when it wouldn’t have been such a bad idea for either of us. I bet you think about it too. Would you have wanted it any other way?

5. Sometimes I think you like me too. Why shouldn’t I? Think about all the signals you send me. The way you hold me when we’re drunk and no one’s looking; the way you curled up with me on New Year’s eve when we were passed out at my friend’s house. The way that you talk about things I’ve never heard you say to anybody else and the way you let me be around you.

6. I want you so much it makes me cry. The feeling is so overwhelming that it waters up my eyes even in the middle of a bright sunny day. There is no way I can describe it in words. I could be doing the most random of things, and there you are, popped up in my head for no apparent reason. Yet you’re not here. How is that fair?

7. I know you will never confess. That is if there is a slight chance of that happening in a gazillion realities. You won’t ever say it. I know you too well to know how you absolutely loathe being vulnerable. You will show it, you will still find me in a lonely corner at a party and kiss me, you will still let me rest on your shoulder when I’m too drunk, you will still hold me close when no one’s looking, but I know you’ll never say it.

8. There is no us. That’s one of the reasons why we’re both holding back. We know this is going to go nowhere. This won’t happen because it’s wrong, no matter how you shuffle all the pieces of this story and put them back together. Maybe if we confess, it will make matters worse; maybe we’ll lose each other forever, even as friends. And quite honestly, neither of us would want that. It will take away everything that we have right now and everything we’ve built together (even if it looks like a tiny sandcastle).

9. You’re an asshole. But you already knew that.