"Are you sexually active?" No "Any drug use?" No *doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) July 10, 2013
[white girl at starbucks] "yeah i dont even need a cup just pour it in my ugg"
— tocino (@baconacid) March 20, 2013
12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing 2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
— Earthman Adam (@AdamOfEarth) June 4, 2013
*calls 911* There is a man in my house with two guns! *i look in the mirror, flex, and wink*
— luke (@internetluke) October 28, 2013
Grandparents stayed married 50 years cause Grandma couldn't text "What are you doing?" "Where are you?" & "Why are you ignoring me?" all day
— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) May 15, 2014
Jake from State Farm takes the main stage. Grinds on the brass pole. Rips off khaki's. There's more khaki's underneath.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) June 23, 2013
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma) PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward) PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward) R: NO grandmas
— Jar O Lantern (@_NinJar) November 16, 2013
stfu mom I'll drink as much monster as I want pic.twitter.com/GkssqiCHpR
— ㅤDr. Bill (@BillRatchet) February 5, 2014
*white girls trying to get into Starbucks* "Woah, woah, woah, what's the password" *pulls up sleeve to reveal "∞" tattoo* "Go right in"
— george w kush (@yungshoelace) November 14, 2013
I like all kinds of Donkey Kong except country
— Local Deadbody (@MrPhetz) May 7, 2012
this is the most beautiful photo i have ever seen. nature is amazing pic.twitter.com/vRd1LAE7cn
— Amber Eeeeeee (@rare_basement) May 25, 2014
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
— frankenmustard (@nice_mustard) August 23, 2012
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. "I'm Bruce Willis" he says. The parrot repeats it. "yeah right" Bruce says, but is secretly worried
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 17, 2013
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
— Spoonicorn (@MrSpoonicorn) January 31, 2013
.@pepsi are u okay?? i went to a diner last night & the waitress asked "is pepsi okay?" I said I dont know!! did something happen?
— KING REINHEAD (@famoushorse) May 22, 2013
my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer
— lets make some money (@goodassposts) February 3, 2014
Hey now You’re a nice guy Gettin’ friendzoned No way Hey now It’s a trilby Not fedora M’laaady
— sreegs (@ahuj9) February 27, 2014
hello 911 "whats your emergency" there's someone in my home "are you safe?" it's a girl "do you like her" *starts twirling hair* I dont know
— Platypus King (@DillDoes) July 17, 2014
listen son, if someone calls you a horses ass, you look him in the eye and tell him "horses asses are actually incredibly strong, and clean"
— wint (@dril) September 26, 2014
My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
— Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) October 15, 2013
My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) February 8, 2013
please tell me. i must defeat him pic.twitter.com/SLMjJ3BeRL
— Percocet Dad… (@swarthyvillain) March 11, 2014
i srsly thought this was a testicle pic.twitter.com/iWOjRbCd5c
— 1 cute gril (@a_cute_bug) September 25, 2014
all these blades and u still wont be my bae pic.twitter.com/2jhRKZ3LXz
— yung turd (@yungturd) December 4, 2013