50 Hilarious ‘Said No One Evers’ That Will Make You LOL Your Face Off

A compilation of the very best of Shit No One Has Ever Said.

Eric Heunthep
Eric Heunthep

1. “I think that car accident was completely my fault.”

2. “What are we going to do with all this leftover cocaine?”

3. “My first sexual experience was by far the best.”

4. “I didn’t think he was that hot, but then I noticed his neck beard.”

5. “The Myers-Briggs test taught me a lot about myself.”

6. “Why is it so difficult to find a Starbucks?”

7. “I’m moving to the suburbs because they have such a lively art scene.”

8. “I would start Michael Vick on my fantasy team, but I just don’t agree with his morals.”

9. “Scientology does such a nice job of filling in the holes left by Christianity and Islam.”

10. “I think what today’s society needs most is another show about New Jersey.”

11. “Sorry, I can’t come out tonight, I’m watching the Charles in Charge marathon.”

12. “I wish my mom was more like Kate Gosselin.”

13. “Thank God the internet is so boring. I can finally get some work done.”

14. “I refresh Wikipedia every ten minutes hoping for an update on the new K-Fed album.”

15. “Abortion is my preferred method of birth control.”

16. “I prefer the lack of sensation and intimacy afforded by condoms.”

17. “I’m really glad I learned cursive in third grade. I use it all the time.”

18. “I stand by my Twitter timeline as an accurate representation of who I am as a person.”

19. “I know we said we’d wait for each other, but I ran into the Situation last night.”

20. “Do you have any strippers that are pretty on the inside?”

21. “It doesn’t really bug me when kids cry on airplanes.”

22. “I like their new shit better.”

23. “My wife and I are both just so very proud of our daughter’s behavior on the Real World.”

24. “This philosophy degree is the gift that keeps giving.”

25. “I’m really into walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and genocide.”

26. “Hey Mom and Dad! Remember when I said I was gay? Well, it all turned out to be just a phase! You were totally right!”

27. “I think Conan O’Brien’s hair is way lame.”

28. “Ellen was funnier before she came out.”

29. “Will Ferrell has tremendous range.”

30. “I would take Snoop Dogg more seriously if he didn’t smoke so much weed.”

31. “I always end up in bed with guys who wear Axe body spray.”

32. “I am an extremely violent person because of the cartoons I watched as a child.”

33. “I miss Tom. I’m going back to MySpace.”

34. “Morgan Freeman’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard.”

35. “I wish Facebook would share more of my personal information.”

36. “GLEE is a beautifully written show with complex storylines.”

37. “I, for one, could not use more sleep.”

38. “I always appreciate it when people spitefully say they’ll pray for me.”

39. “Because of abstinence-only education, I waited until I was married to have sex.”

40. “Kanye West would be a much better artist if he only embraced his own success.”

41. “I learned how to kiss from Seventeen magazine”

42. “I just don’t understand why donuts are so popular.”

43. “Star Wars is so underrated.”

44. “Can this threesome wait until after Wheel of Fortune?”

45. “Michael Jackson was always white, what are you talking about?”

46. “I would like you to be the person to whom I send pictures of my genitals.”

47. “I’m gonna take a shower. Anyone need to poop, first?”

48. “I really hate that new Cee-Lo song and I hope I never hear it again.”

49. “If you’d like to get us a wedding gift, please look up our registry at Radio Shack.”

50. “We should take it slowly, except for the sex part.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Mélanie Berliet

I adore the following, in no particular order: knee-high tube socks, acrostic poetry, and my little brother. Click here to learn more!

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