Nothing About Letting Go And Saying Goodbye To Someone Toxic Will Be Easy

Allan Flillpe

Toxic relationships last longer than they should because of the type of person that’s attracted to these relationships.

It’s the person who always sees the good in everyone. It’s the person who doesn’t always have the confidence to walk away. It’s the person who tries a little too hard to please people putting someone else’s needs before their own.

And the toxic person is someone who needs this type of person to thrive. Someone who manipulates and controls others to feel whole themselves. Someone who looks for people who get emotionally invested in them and will do anything to keep them, even though the reality is they keep their partner at arm’s length never fully letting them in.

They are the ones with a reputation. The ones you think you can change. The type of people who always have an explanation. The ones who treat you badly then say, ‘I”m guarded because of this that happened in my past,’ or ‘I just got out of a bad relationship and I’m not ready.’ These are the guys who bad mouth their exes and say they are crazy when in reality this person’s actions and being toxic probably turned a good-hearted person into someone so paranoid and skeptical.

These are the people who blame everyone else. The ones who never apologize but justify any accusation you may make. These are the people who need you to build them up. Need you to control so they feel they have a sense of control over something in their life.

These are the people who tell you everything you want to hear but never follow through with actions and in return, you cling to the one days and the maybes because you need something to hold onto and believe in.

What makes ending these relationships so hard are the constant circles you run in and the high intense emotional connection you have. Maybe the word love has been thrown out there in between fights and screaming and trying to make this work.

The truth is the right relationship will never be that hard. And when this toxic person says they love you, they are just trying to make you stay. Because when you love someone you don’t hurt them and constantly let them down.

Real love is the opposite of toxic relationships because real love has no room for that.

And even when and if you find the strength and courage to let go, there will always be those questions that linger.

“If I tried harder…?”
“If I stayed longer…?”

The what ifs and the maybe will kill you if you let it.

And even when you walk away what hurts more is thinking maybe they will apologize. The thing about really toxic people is even if they are wrong and realize it, they will never give the other person the satisfaction of seeing them vulnerable or in a position that is weak.

You might never get the sorry you deserve but that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive yourself for tolerating less than you deserved.

Even if you don’t think a toxic relationship is affecting you that much it does take an emotional toll on you. You trust less. You become more paranoid. You think every relationship will end with you hurt. This person keeps you walking on eggshells with every move they make.

In an attempt to try and prove you were worthy you lost the most important thing in this relationship which was self-respect.

And once you lose self-respect you end up losing yourself a bit.

Understand toxic people turn everything in their path black. And if you are in their path eventually that’ll be you too.

They push you and see how much they can get away with. They act a certain way. They talk a certain way. They disrespect you.

They want relationship benefits without the label and when you give it to them suddenly they don’t value what is supposed to be the most intimate parts of relationships, they take it for granted and expect it.

You see both sides of this person and you choose to only judge them on the good while completely ignoring the bad which deserves more time and attention.

There is a difference between someone who makes you a priority and someone who comes back into your life because it’s convenient.

Maybe it’s convenient for them but the emotional toll it’s taking on you is staying up later than you should be analyzing and questioning things you shouldn’t. Trying to decipher how someone feels when you’ve made it clear yourself. Caught somewhere between holding on and letting go but they’ve become so much of a routine you can’t even imagine letting them go.

That’s why it’s hard to walk away for good because they’ve become routine and your comfort zone. But when your comfort zone is a normal person’s hell they wouldn’t tolerate that’s when you know something needs to change.

If you are tired of these circles and how you keep getting hurt stop choosing someone who hurts you.

If you are tired of crying yourself to sleep stop choosing to love someone who can’t love you back.

If you are tired of him always coming back don’t let him.

Ignore his texts and calls and really show him what it’s like to live without you.

He’s never going to be the person you want so it’s time you stop believing he will be.

And as much as it hurts to let go when you finally find the strength to do that what you’ll find is yourself again.

And any good, healthy happy version of you would never tolerate this type of relationship.

So say goodbye for good not because you don’t love him but because you love yourself more. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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