This Is Me Finally Closing The Chapter That Was Us

Twenty 20

Endings are tough. Especially when it’s with someone you thought they would be at the end of the book. But sometimes people come into our lives for moments at a time just to shake things up a bit. Teach us a few things. Make our lives better. And as much as we’d love to hold onto that and cherish and hope it lasts, sometimes the role we play in someone’s life is over. You learn that sometimes it’s best to let something good go before you cling to what used to be and watch it turn bad.

So this is me closing a chapter of us.

And I’m sure you can feel it too.

It’s like we are talking but no one is actually saying anything or saying what needs to be said.

It’s like we are going through the motions like we are supposed to but everything is different.

We look the same. But what’s changed is us and who we’ve become in all this.

And I hate saying goodbye. Goodbye is supposed to be a word exchanged for anyone but us so why is that the only word that fits right now? Goodbye is a word for strangers but that’s kind of what it feels like we’ve become lately.

I don’t want to let go but I can’t keep holding onto what isn’t anymore.

When I say I love you I mean it.

When I hug you and I want to hold on a bit tighter and not let go.

Everything about us has become so comfortable. Maybe too comfortable.

How is it that people who were once so good for each other suddenly aren’t? Because when we fight it’s about little things that don’t matter. Things that used to not bother me suddenly do. Things I used to look past suddenly I can’t shake anymore.

And if this is what falling out of love feels like it hurts like hell to look back at where we were and where we thought we were going only to discover sometimes it’s best to just walk away.

I don’t know what a life without out you would even look like or feel like. But I do know this might be better for both of us.

What hurts isn’t goodbye or that final kiss, it’s everything after I know will bring me to my knees.

It’s staring at my phone waiting to hear from you but knowing I won’t. It’s waking up in a bed that you used to sleep in and I have to get comfortably numb getting used to sleeping alone. It’s looking for you in a crowd of every place we used to go remembering how you used to take my hand and no one else mattered. It’s looking back at pictures where everything in those moments were perfect.

I can’t explain when or why or who changed exactly. But maybe it was both of us. Maybe we outgrew each other.

When I say I love you I want you to know I mean it. Or rather meant it at one time. I don’t want to say words because we are supposed to or do things because that’s how we’ve always done them.

I want to know what it’s like to look in someone’s eyes and feel something again.

I want to know what it’s like to kiss someone and feel it on every inch of my body.

I want to know what it’s like to be next to someone and not have them feel like a stranger.

But that’s what we’ve become, ghosts in each other’s pasts afraid to let go but being struck with the reality there’s nothing left to hold onto anymore.

So I’ll say it one more time for old times sake.

I love you. I think part of me always will.

I’ll say it because I mean it.

I’ll miss you.

And I’ll end it with a final few words.

Thank you.

Because I look at myself in the mirror and I’m always going to see pieces of you there looking back at me. You made me who I am. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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