The Ugly Truth Behind A ‘Pretty’ Face With Depression

Jenny Woods
Jenny Woods

She’ll have the biggest smile on her face when you see her because she’s hiding something. She’ll be dressed to a tee with a face full of makeup because if she dressed the way she felt you would notice there was something wrong. She’s an optimist on the outside but under the surface there is a greater story she doesn’t tell. Depression is about the art of deception. It’s about her ability to trick people.

Depression isn’t simply a mood. It’s like a wave that takes over your entire being and you want to just crawl up into a ball and cry for reasons you don’t understand. It’s the repressing of how you feel because you don’t want people to feel bad for you. You don’t want people to try and find a solution because you know there isn’t one. All there is is simply fighting through it.

Depression is this voice inside your head saying this is your fault. It says no one will ever love you.

Depression tries to trick you into hating yourself.

Depression is this voice inside your head that says you are never doing anything right. It’s that voice that says the person correcting your mistake hates you for it.

Depression is being with people and engaging in conversations but you still feel painfully alone. Because what you aren’t saying is, ‘I’m hurt. I’m in pain. I’m lonely and I don’t know why.’

Depression tells you no one cares about you, so you become comfortable in silence. It tells you you’ll spend the rest of your life alone. It tells you you’ll never amount to anything and everything you’ve accomplished you’ll lose one day or you don’t deserve.

Depression tells you everyone is going to leave because you are ‘too much to handle.’

Depression fixates upon that flaw you see in the mirror and whispers ‘if you were different you’d be happy.’ Depression tricks you in saying perfection is the key to happiness. Depression sets you up for that failure then is that voice mocking you when you can’t achieve it. But you know no one is perfect yet you still try to be.

Depression is ugly. There is nothing beautiful about thinking you are a burden to people you love. There is nothing beautiful about functioning on no sleep because your thoughts race at night and you can’t shut it off because every mistake you’ve made that day replays in your mind. Every person who doesn’t like you, you wonder why. Every situation you haven’t analyzed you rethink of another scenario. Then you wake up the next morning with bags under your eyes clinging to coffee just trying to stay awake. There is nothing beautiful about a chemical imbalance in your brain you think is your fault.

But those people who learn to manage their depression or simply live with it, like a shadow that always lingers has traits that make them very successful.

Depression breeds great success out of the greater fear of failure.

Depression breeds overachievers out of fear of being a disappointment.

Depression breeds healthy relationship because if there’s one thing you’re good at it’s being someone’s friend.

But more than anything depression is strength.

Depression is someone who fights back. Depression is someone who does not stay down.

Depression is someone who knows how to bring light to every situation that may seem dark.

Depression is getting up every single day and simply trying again. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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Image Credit: Jenny Woods

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