Welcome To Virgo Season, Bitches

bitch bitch bitch
Scream Queens

Hello, peasantry.

It’s officially (as of two days ago, but I was busy meeting deadlines) the most wonderful time of the year. And no, I’m not talking about Christmas or something else that utilizes a bunch of unnecessary lights and wreaths that will inevitably litter your floor with pine remnants and other shit.

It’s motherfucking Virgo season.

So get your planners out, make sure your phone is fully charged and take note. Because the next 30 days aren’t for fucking around.

You had Leo season to get sloppy, make a scene (or 12), and just generally act like a damn idiot. Now it’s time to pull yourself together. You know that stovetop you haven’t cleaned all year? Get to Target, buy yourself some $4.99 stovetop cleaner, and scrub-a-dub-dub, hon. Your baseboards? They’re fucking filthy, friend. I’m sure you need a new toothbrush anyway so pull that bent AF Soft Bristle brush out of its holder and get to cleaning. You have way too many contacts in your phone as is so if his name has “Bar” or anything close to that next to whatever else is listed in your phone,Β delete delete delete.

The fact of the matter is, you know you’re mess. And Virgo season is here to fix it.

I’m sure you’ve heard of spring cleaning but that’s frankly laughable. This next month isn’t just an “Lol this is the one time of year I’m productive” anomaly.

No.

This is the one time of year when you’re going to be a goddamn machine.

Love going out? Too bad, you love staying in and working an extra 3 hours now.

Love drunk texting? That’s adorable, today you’re going to text that SOB and tell him that you’re not interested and then you’re going to block his number BEFORE seeing if he responds.

Love drinking? Copious amounts of water you do. No wine until you’ve had your daily 64 ounces hon. That’s the rule.

See, the thing about Virgo season is that it’s not for, well, losers. You have literally 11 other seasons to run around acting like a dumbass and then go crying to the Virgo for advice. This is your one time of year to be the advice GIVER.

This is the time of year when everyone wonders, “I don’t know how she does it” aboutΒ you.Β Where you radiate togetherness, poise, unadulterated confidence, intimidation, efficiency and all of those other adjectives you’ve previously left for…other people.

So don’t take advantage.

Like I said before.

Get your planner, find your ballpoint pens, pack an extra phone charger in your bag and make sure you have πŸ‘ your πŸ‘ shit πŸ‘ together. πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

Let’s face it.

We all have at least one Virgo in our life that we wish we could emulate on a daily basis.

Wouldn’t it be kind of cool to give them a run for their money? Even if only for a month?

(Cue all of the real Virgos loling in the distance.)

So welcome to Virgo season, bitches.

May the odds be ever in your favor. TC mark

Kendra Syrdal

live laugh la croix

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