We’ve all been there.
We said we’d go on a date with someone who isn’t quite our type, or to dinner with a girlfriend who always inevitably ends up whining about her relationship problems for three hours before being drunkenly coaxed into a cab. We set the date, the time, the location and then an hour prior we just know it’s not going to happen. Our sweats are too comfy, our couch is being permanently fixed to our bodies, and lord knows that seventeenth episode of Friends isn’t going to watch itself! You grab your phone, swipe around for a second, and start formulating exactly how you’re going to get yourself out of this.
Sometimes you can just be direct. You can just text “Sorry to do this but it isn’t happening tonight,” and that will be good enough. The receiver of the bail will perhaps be annoyed, but will get over it and find something or someone else to occupy their time with. But sometimes they press. They want a reason for why you are bailing.
What do you do? Do you admit that you’re slowly but surely being completely absorbed in your own laziness and will eventually turn into a human Cool Ranch Dorito? Do you own your grossness? Do you say “Netflix is more appealing than you”?
No. You lie. All good friends, and all good potential dates, lie.
Here are 32 lies you can use the next time you’re just feeling like rocking that hoodie and no shower, and not being seen by the outside world. You’re welcome:
1. “My dog just threw up all over the apartment.”
2. “I just threw up all over the apartment.”
3. “A stranger just threw up all over the apartment. The horror!”
4. “I totally forgot about (insert fictional person here) coming into town and I have to clean up.”
5. “I’m feeling really emotional about Homeland and just need to be alone right now.”
6. “I have to wait for the internet technician to come over and he still hasn’t shown.”
7. “I threw my back out.”
8. “I threw my hip out.”
9. “I broke my entire body. Pray for me.”
10. “I watched an old episode of Room Raiders and it made me want to backlight my sheets and so I did and now I think I need to reevaluate some things.”
11. “I have a really terrible headache. Let me lie down and see if I feel better.”
12. “I have a really terrible headache and I know you’re going to make it worse.”
13. “There’s a leftover pizza in the fridge calling my name and it’s taking priority at the moment.”
14. “My neighbors are having really loud sex and I need to see how this plays out.”
15. “I’m re-watching the Grammy’s and Sam Smith kind of broke my heart tbqh.”
16. “I’m in the middle of reading Gone Girl for the first time.”
17. “I’m in the middle of reading The Bible for the first time. Again: pray for me.”
18. “I need to iron my laundry.”
19. “I need to do my laundry.”
20. “I need to darn my socks.”
21. “I need to Google what darning my socks means.”
22. “I’m alphabetizing my DVDs and also wondering why I’m still buying DVDs when I have Netflix, Hulu plus, and HBOgo.”
23. “I’m in the middle of a really invigorating Tinder convo and I honestly think he could be the one.”
24. “I was cleaning my ears and I think I pressed too hard. I need to WebMD my symptoms to be sure though.”
25. “I need to WebMD myself into thinking I have an incurable disease.”
26. “I fell into a Wikipedia hole and now I’m convinced that the Zodiac killer is going to come back and I will be his first victim.”
27. “I got drunk alone and now I’m too tipsy to come.”
28. “Uber is surging 4x right now and I love you, but not that much.”
29. “I haven’t washed my hair in four days and tomorrow it’ll be five.”
30. “I just really need to know once and for all who killed Rosie Larson!”
31. “I just PostMate-d Chipotle.”
32. “It’s too cold outside.”