11 Steps To Faking The Confidence Of A Self-Entitled White Man

1. Begin every morning by screaming at your reflection in the mirror: “EVERYONE MUST LISTEN TO EVERYTHING I HAVE TO SAY TODAY!” Then eat two raw eggs.

2. Act as if rejection doesn’t exist. If you want that person’s number, by golly you’re going to get it—through various means of manipulation and by mistaking annoyance for serious interest. Because, I mean, why would anyone say no to you? They wouldn’t! You’re great!

3. Never ever second guess yourself. Even if you don’t know anything about a given subject, act as if you’ve earned a PhD in the related field. Everyone should probably thank you for the opportunity to listen to you anyway.

4. If someone dares to argue against a point you make or claim that you’re wrong (crazy, I know, but it happens!), just repeat what you’ve said, this time in a much louder voice.

5. Spend 85% of your time explaining things that do not need to be explained nor elaborated upon to people who did not ask for explanations.

6. Seriously, always just be shouting things. You don’t even have to think before you say anything—if you’re talking loudly nobody can question your authority.

7. Provide unsolicited opinions on topics that have nothing to do with you and have no impact on your life. Even if your opinions are wrong and outdated or misinformed—feel especially confident sharing your every thought with everyone, especially those who have reason to be offended by them.

8. General talking points to include in everyday conversation: smoking weed, explaining feminism to women, “boning chicks,” Kanye West, ice hockey.

9. Always behave like you are the only person in the room because you’re the only person that actually matters, you know?

10. Show up to things whenever you want. Unfashionably early, super late, never. Whatever! Time doesn’t exist to you.

11. Run for president. Go on. Do it. Nobody will stop you. Literally. No one.