So you want a man on his knees begging for you. Understandable, but let’s be real – the real power is knowing that you can take him or leave him even when he’s willing to worship you. Here are three dating principles you can use today to start to take your power back as a woman, not just in dating, but to elevate and improve your entire life. Ironically, these are exactly the principles that make men chase you and beg for you naturally, but that certainly won’t be your goal – just an organic side effect. Here’s what powerful, high-quality women do differently in dating that make men chase and beg for them naturally.

They decenter men.

We’ve all heard the term, “decenter men.” But what does that actually mean and require? Decentering men is all about genuinely placing the focus back on you, rather than the men you’re dating, and living life with purpose while staying away from pick-me habits that tempt you to cater to a man who has not even proven himself yet to you. Often, women are taught to think about whether the man they’re dating likes them, overexert themselves and center their entire lives around the possibility of having a partner, whereas men are taught to think about and prioritize their ambitions, careers, finances, friendships, the possibility of fun or fulfilling their sexual desires, and to see relationships as a “trap” (even though, according to numerous studies, marriage actually benefits them moreso than women). As a woman, you have the power to do the same. Decentering men is not a strategy to make them chase you – it is actually a powerful self-care method that will transform your entire life, and men will chase you by default when you do it. Start treating being with and dating a man as something that takes up your resources, time, and energy excessively and demands more labor and effort than it’s worth–as a huge risk and liability to take on, especially when you’re not with the right partner. Start to worry less about how to please other people and begin to honor your desires, your emotions, your needs, and wants. Refocus on the parts of your life you’ve been needing to focus on: whether it’s pursuing your education, going after your career, leveling up in your fitness and health, strengthening your friendships, having fun, or all of the above, think about what you would want your life to look like regardless of your relationship status, and don’t wait for a partner to do it. Maybe you want to take that trip to Italy, or pursue that PhD, or go rock climbing. Whatever floats your boat, stay immersed and absorbed in your own life and build a strong self-concept. The high-quality men who are interested (as well as some men who just love a challenge – make sure you know the difference) will gravitate toward you because they’re naturally drawn to a woman who is focused on her own needs, and places herself on the pedestal.

Start deprogramming yourself and connect to your authentic desires and self so you don’t settle for less just to have a partner or a life you don’t truly want.

You grew up in a patriarchy and were conditioned since you were young to seek the perfect marriage and one day become a wife and mother. But are these things you would actively choose for yourself, without your conditioning? Think very carefully about it. Read stories about regretful parents and read the research on how women fare in marriage as opposed to men (spoiler alert: women on average do not benefit from marriage unless it’s with the right partner and the marriage is a long one). Is this still the life you want and are willing to take the risks of, knowing the costs, and will you actually only settle when you have a compatible partner, versus settling down just for anybody, and that you will have to sacrifice a substantial part of your life to raising your children? If so, amazing. If not, also amazing. It’s all about coming to terms with what you authentically desire, not what society has trained you to want. Your desires are valid. Your emotions are valid. Your dreams are valid. If you want to live your life traveling and making bread, so be it. If you want to live your best life enjoying yourself, having lovers and no commitments, hell yeah. If you’re feeling angry, let yourself feel, honor, and constructively channel that anger into healthy boundaries – don’t try to be a “good girl” in a society that seeks to subdue you. Having this talk with your authentic self and cost-benefits analysis of the things you were taught to value as a woman in this society can save you years of heartache, labor, and disillusionment down the road, and keep your focus on not “getting married” or having children with just anyone, but actually grounded in the desire for only keeping to your standards and who you want to actually be and the ways you authentically want to live.

Develop emotional mastery and build a life you don’t want to detract from.

Emotional mastery is the ability to take charge of your emotions and mindfully look at a problem from a bird’s eye view, rather than taking action impulsively. Building a high-quality life (filled with exciting dreams, goals, hobbies, friendships, interests, travels) is a vital part of emotional mastery because it gives you a solid foundation no matter what is happening in your dating life or romantic relationships and keeps you self-focused. Self-focused women rarely have the time or energy to chase an emotionally unavailable man, and they attract high-quality suitors to them naturally. You may be tempted to text a man who is offering you less than what you deserve, but with emotional mastery and a high-quality life keeping you booked and busy, you’re less likely to act on that impulse because this person is detracting from your quality of life. Emotional mastery also allows you to channel your emotions into your highest good. For example, if you’re constantly ruminating about an ex, you’re more likely to get out of survival mode and into healing mode when you realize that you can use this opportunity to fuel your emotions into leveling up rather than staying attached to the past, working on your education, fitness, mental health, career, finances, and all facets of your life. Pursue and chase your highest self and put yourself first. When you naturally take your focus off a man, they start to focus on and prioritize you, and honestly, that’s exactly the way nature intended it to be.