15 Tips For When You Are PMSing

10. You are not fat, you are just bloated as all hell right now.

Updated 11 years ago, April 15, 2014

A male friend once said to me, “It must really suck to get your period and go through PMS. I mean you can be totally rational most of the time, but then your hormones go all crazy and there’s nothing you can do to control them.” Ya think? Here’s some handy tips you should follow next time Aunty Flo pings to you let you know she’s on the way to visit.

1. The most important thing when going through PMS is self awareness. Know that you are PMSing.

2. Anything you eat during your PMS time and subsequent menstruation doesn’t count. Fuck your diet–all food, in the time directly leading up to, and including, bleeding from your vagina, is fair game.

3. You are not in control of your emotions right now. Don’t pretend that you are.

4. When you’re NOT PMSing and some idiot man asks you if you’re getting your period because you’re being forthright/strong willed/opinionated it’s totally OK to tell him to go fuck himself and/or bruise him physically. When you ARE PMSing and an informed man, like a boyfriend, brother or dad asks if you’re getting your period because you’re being irrational/crazy/erratic it’s not OK to tell him to go fuck himself and/or bruise him physically. Always look for the intent of a man asking you about PMS i.e. misogyny = bad, but trying to empathise with your out of character emotions = good.

5. Black cotton underpants are your best friend during PMS. Aunty Flo could turn up any day now, and you don’t want to ruin your pretty lacy thongs or pristine white knickers.

6. You are crying because your body is currently a shooting range for trigger happy hormones, not because you are actually sad.

7. This is why you have girl friends. Call them.

8. This is why we have The Notebook. Watch it. See also: Mermaids, Steel Magnolias, Mystic Pizza, City of Angels.

9. Likewise, this is why we have Taylor Swift. If shit starts getting real, see also: Lisa Loeb, Fiona Apple, Shirley Manson, Veruca Salt.

10. You are not fat, you are just bloated as all hell right now.

11. Even though it might feel like you are, you’re not the only person on earth ever to get their period.

12. Know when to remove yourself from the public. A good indication is uncontrollable snark or tears.

13. Everyone is not trying to do things specifically to annoy you. They are doing the same things they always do, you are just temporarily more likely to want kill them for it.

14. This too shall pass.

15. Enjoy the next 3 weeks of inner peace, because you’re going to have to do it all over again for your next period, and most likely every single month for all your periods until you go through menopause, which is a whole other epic and painful saga. Aren’t you glad about reproduction!