13 Complaints I Have About Having Big Breasts

1. People are generally more predisposed to call them “titties” rather than “breasts” (see: Kenny Powers), because having big boobs precludes anyone else from treating them with any level of decorum or anatomical correctness.

2. Most clothing only amplifies the largeness of said titties, causing you to look like a milkmaid at almost all times.

3. They actually get in the way of you trying to do stuff, like carrying things, sleeping on your tummy and sometimes even in pilates.

4. There is no sports bra on this earth that has the industrial design required to stop huge tits from jiggling around when you exercise.

5. If you decide not to wear a bra, absolutely everyone will comment on the fact that you are not wearing a bra.

6. It becomes super weird if your dad or any other dude in your family, referencing another woman, says things like “More than a handful’s a waste.” (I assume it’s doubly weird if they reference you directly).

7. If you thought granny panties were embarrassing, how about a draw full of granny bras?

8. People will say things like, “Oh Christina Hendricks has huge tits too.” Yes, Christina Hendricks does have huge tits too. And she looks like a milkmaid (see above).

9. Cat callers will always mention your boobs like, “Hey mami, they some huge titties,” as though you didn’t already know you had huge titties, and you were just waiting for some disgusting creep on the street to point them out for you. Thanks man.

10. Stretch marks.

11. When you’re looking for a bikini you can only ever buy the ones where the bottom and top and sold separately because even if you need a small on the bottom you probably need a large on top.

12. If you wear baggy clothes you will almost always look fatter than you are, because your boobs will hold out clothes in such a way that makes it seem as though your tummy and hips match their undulation.

13. If you wear tight clothes you will almost always look like more of a stripper than you are, because your boobs will fill out clothes in such a way that screams for attention, even though in reality there’s absolutely nothing you can do about them, you wish people (men) would stop drooling over them, and the only reason you wore the dress is because you liked it, not to show off your tits.