Dating 101: 20 Secrets (That Are Not Really Secrets) About Dating

Paolo Raeli
  1. Spitting in your boyfriend’s mouth is the new black.
  2. Guys: When you are going down on a girl, don’t look up at her. Our pubes make you look like you have a weird Hitler mustache, and that creeps us out.
  3. It’s always nice to give someone you care about a compliment, but compliments mean infinitely more when you’re sober.
  4. It’s OK to think your brother is hot.
  5. Cum on her face. She’ll like it, I promise.
  6. Girls like to be stroked and snuggled and kissed. Sort of like a cat. But we also like to be smacked around once in a while. Take note.
  7. Being jealous is a waste of time and energy. Everyone has exes, so don’t stress about the fact that your lover has had other lovers. Also, don’t do things intentionally to try and make the person you are dating jealous, either. That’s mean, and why would you want to be mean to someone you care about?
  8. Blood is nature’s lubricant.
  9. Gentle kisses to the top of the head are a sure-fire sign that someone really likes you. Trying to put it in your ass when you’re half sleeping even though you’ve told him a bunch of times that you’re not really into that is a sure-fire sign that you should move on.
  10. Boys with big noses are hot. Boys with big noses who get nosebleeds are even hotter.
  11. It’s unattractive to be too available. I know you want to be with him like ALL the time, but always being free to hang makes you look like an unimportant loser with no life. Make the other person miss you and want you.
  12. Oh my god brush your teeth.
  13. It’s OK to like the way someone dresses, but fashion feelings are not the same as real feelings.
  14. Shower sex is really hot, but the water can make our vaginas go all weird and clammy on the inside, which is why you should always keep a tube of lube in the shower.
  16. “I want you” is a good line.
  17. Girls: Generally speaking, you have to touch your clit during sex in order to cum. Most guys can’t get you there on their own, so you have to help them out.
  18. Sex is meant to be clumsy and awkward.
  19. Making out with your hand in the shower while masturbating is not weird.
  20. And finally, the real secret to dating (and life) is just to be the most amazing version of yourself possible. It sounds corny, but it’s true! Don’t be one of those loser people who sit around smoking weed, doing nothing and hating the world all day, because no one loves them. Be the sort of person who takes vitamins, reads books, goes jogging and gives mind-blowing head. And then one day, out of the blue, some epically hot and smart and nice person will stumble into your life, and you’ll look into each other’s eyes and know instantly that you’re meant to be. And then they’ll kiss you and you’ll kiss back and you’ll keep on kissing for more or less the rest of your lives. Aww! Total cute alert! Because you’re worth it. TC mark ?


More From Thought Catalog

  • snkpks

    I'm confused, is this a parody of something?

    • Julene

      This reads like Alexi Wasser's blog. Really hoping this is a joke.

      • Michael Koh

        Doesn't it sound like a joke…?

      • Julene


        Joke = parody of Alexi Wasser.

  • Michael Koh

    I wish I knew this ~1997

  • Catxtwo

    Where does penis size enter into this? (asked by a guy with a small penis)

  • Jj

    lol – luv it

  • David Trahan

    I <3 U

  • lula

    #s 1, 4, 10, 19 freak me out. what the hell is this?

  • setecq

    These are actually the secrets (that are not really secrets) of Karley Sciortino. But I'm a thin guy with a big nose and cold-weather epistaxis, so.

    Also, her site is pretty dope.

  • Duke Holland of Gishmale

    #20 is the awesomest. 

  • andrew


  • You

    Smells like

    • Sophia Anderson

      I had to scroll back up to the top to make sure that Alexi Wasser didn't write this, because I totally had just assumed she did.

      • Jem Ross

        I agree I was like.. is Alexi on thought catalog now?

    • everythingever

      pretty sure it was meant to be a parody

  • christopher lynsey


  • lanolin

    an old issue of vice from 2006 called, they want their style back

    • Briana

      magazines can talk?!?!?

    • pleonastic-not-fantastic

      How could it ever be anything but an old issue of vice, if it's from 2006?

  • Hello!

    oohhh hell yes

  • Matt Schultz

    exactly what i needed to read right now.


    . . .

  • Jordan

    I wasn't into it at first, then I had a good laugh at two cubed and I was sold.  I think maybe because I dated a girl who liked a lot of these things.

    And I just had a eureka moment half an hour after reading 19 and I get it now.  Weird.

    Not so sure about 4.  5 is fine but opinions vary widely, proceed with caution.

    Otherwise I more or less agree with this stuff.  Good or bad?

  • Brian McElmurry

    I liked this

  • Bridget

    Thank you for this. But no, not a fan of #5.

  • everythingever

    omg, slutever on tc

  • Brian McElmurry

    Just texted my girlfriend regarding #5. She responded, “Don't believe everything you read” I cracked up! LOL

  • Erica Statton

    is this article a shot at alexi wasser ha

  • Steven Timberman

    Number 20 made me :)

    And agree with number eight. I am always, perpetually amazed when my male friends tell me that “ew, its gross” to having sex while a girl is on her period. I'm not saying period sex is AMAZING or anything but um… it definitely can be. More often than not, I'd wager.

    • Greg Petliski

      Almost no change of pregnancy plus extra lube? Yes please. And when you go down on a girl like that, you come up looking like Ronald McDonald, its great.

  • faith

    5 is certainly not applicable to all women. No one should ever cum on my face.

    • JZW

      Shhh… Just let it happen.

  • Mail

    I love you thank you!

  • Mail

    I love you thank you!

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