Spitting in your boyfriend’s mouth is the new black.
Guys: When you are going down on a girl, don’t look up at her. Our pubes make you look like you have a weird Hitler mustache, and that creeps us out.
It’s always nice to give someone you care about a compliment, but compliments mean infinitely more when you’re sober.
It’s OK to think your brother is hot.
Cum on her face. She’ll like it, I promise.
Girls like to be stroked and snuggled and kissed. Sort of like a cat. But we also like to be smacked around once in a while. Take note.
Being jealous is a waste of time and energy. Everyone has exes, so don’t stress about the fact that your lover has had other lovers. Also, don’t do things intentionally to try and make the person you are dating jealous, either. That’s mean, and why would you want to be mean to someone you care about?
Blood is nature’s lubricant.
Gentle kisses to the top of the head are a sure-fire sign that someone really likes you. Trying to put it in your ass when you’re half sleeping even though you’ve told him a bunch of times that you’re not really into that is a sure-fire sign that you should move on.
Boys with big noses are hot. Boys with big noses who get nosebleeds are even hotter.
It’s unattractive to be too available. I know you want to be with him like ALL the time, but always being free to hang makes you look like an unimportant loser with no life. Make the other person miss you and want you.
Oh my god brush your teeth.
It’s OK to like the way someone dresses, but fashion feelings are not the same as real feelings.
Shower sex is really hot, but the water can make our vaginas go all weird and clammy on the inside, which is why you should always keep a tube of lube in the shower.
KISSING IS THE BEST!!!
“I want you” is a good line.
Girls: Generally speaking, you have to touch your clit during sex in order to cum. Most guys can’t get you there on their own, so you have to help them out.
Sex is meant to be clumsy and awkward.
Making out with your hand in the shower while masturbating is not weird.
And finally, the real secret to dating (and life) is just to be the most amazing version of yourself possible. It sounds corny, but it’s true! Don’t be one of those loser people who sit around smoking weed, doing nothing and hating the world all day, because no one loves them. Be the sort of person who takes vitamins, reads books, goes jogging and gives mind-blowing head. And then one day, out of the blue, some epically hot and smart and nice person will stumble into your life, and you’ll look into each other’s eyes and know instantly that you’re meant to be. And then they’ll kiss you and you’ll kiss back and you’ll keep on kissing for more or less the rest of your lives. Aww! Total cute alert! Because you’re worth it. ?
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