First off, I hate the word ‘penis’. I much prefer the word ‘cock’ just as I prefer the word ‘pussy’. I think it’s more honest for pretty much every discussion outside the doctor’s office. So, that’s the vocab I’ll be using. Second, if what you’ve got going is working for you and your partner then absolutely ignore everything I’m going to say. I’m not trying to tell anyone what to do but for those guys that don’t really know what they’re doing hopefully this is useful.

I have the internet and I can read, the latter really being a prerequisite for using the former, and I read a lot of comments by women talking about sex. A lot of those comments and discussions have to do with it being bad sex and that’s unfortunate for everyone. If you’re the man in that situation then it can be a massive ego blow to not be knocking your lady’s socks off or at least slowly peeling them from her feet until the deed is done. I want to address some basics here mostly for the benefit of the 20 something young men who grew up watching and very possibly imitating porn. This won’t be a touchy feely list. It will be frank. I’ll also leave out a lot of very obvious things like “make sure there’s lubrication” because, well, it’s obvious. Let’s begin.

1. This is not a race, clearly.

I’ve spoken to exes and friends who all had a man who went fast like the rabbit. This doesn’t work. It achieves nothing but your own embarrassment. You will be talked about and it will be because you wouldn’t slow down. Notice I said wouldn’t. Slow the fuck down. Easy, right? Well, for some men who may have had bad experiences with erection quality or premature ejaculation it’s not so easy. Multiple bad experiences compound and they can hurt your sexual identity. I understand this although I’ve never been a fast humper. I went through a time in my early 20s when I wasn’t meeting anyone, wasn’t falling in love, wasn’t happy, and once I actually got with a woman I was terrified. Mortified! I shook, I kid you not. I remember shaking and the woman I was with asked me “are you shaking?”

“Nah, it’s just cold.”

Mortified, I tell you! That happened twice with two different women and I was no virgin. However, I was emotionally closed off and that isolation compounded once I was in a sexual situation so I feel you. What’s the cure? Don’t cater to your fears and don’t try to fast hump your way to a successful sexual encounter. It’s not a triumph. It’s running away. If you’re in a situation with a woman and you’ve got anxiety then tell her you have anxiety and tell it with a smile. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Some guys don’t ever have any anxiety and can work their way through a sorority house and never remember a face. That’s not you and that’s a good thing. Own it.

2. Foreplay is key.

Obvious, sure but why is it key? I think a lot of young men see foreplay as a means to an end in a “I do this and she’ll warm up and off we go” kind of way. That’s not what foreplay is for. Foreplay is for her but it’s also for you and I’m not talking about getting dome here. I’m saying it’s your opportunity to show desire. Foreplay can be slow but it can also be intentional and aggressive while not being fast. I love nothing more than kissing and licking the insides of my woman’s thighs, gently and not so gently nibbling her back, squeezing her. This is all foreplay. Foreplay isn’t just giving oral or fingering her (learn how to finger, it’s more up/down than in/out) or nipple suction. I mean, it is those things but branch out. Sex for women, in my experience can be much more whole bodied than it is for most men most of the time. Understand that and play into it. Some women need to have their ears kissed to have an orgasm, some need their hair grabbed, some need their nipples pulled but what they all need is to feel desire. My point is that if you don’t explore with zest then you won’t discover these things on your own, she’ll have to tell you and while that’s cool too I think discovery is far more enjoyable and it feels more natural.

Believe me, expressing desire in a way that is confident, intentional, and barely restrained is sexy and it will make you feel sexy. Pro tip, you feeling sexy makes her feel sexy because she’s the kind of woman that can attract a confident sexy man that is way into her body which she very likely criticizes via inner monologue far too often.

3. Fuck with your hips, not your cock.

Fucking is in the hips. It’s in the arms. It’s in the stomach. It’s in the embrace. That’s where “fucking” comes from. It’s not in your cock. It’s your hips, arms, stomach, etc using your cock. This isn’t some dance analogy thing. This is a mindset change. You’re not there to in/out with your cock. You’re there to fuck with your body and if you’re not using your body to fuck then you won’t get the same effect for either yourself or her. You won’t be able to lose yourself in the motion and so you’ll have problems with rhythm. You won’t be able to tell where she’s at because your bodies aren’t participating together. Rhythm is the orgasm maker so get into a flow. This, I believe, also helps with staying power because your mind isn’t on you, it’s on the act.

Don’t be a douche bag, endeavor to engage in the act. Be where you are doing what you’re doing.

4. Understand the pussy.

Here’s a tasteful picture:

Obviously the clitoris is the most immediate way for a woman to have an orgasm. For direction stimulation I recommend gentle grind fucking, focusing on the area where your cock meets your pelvis, intermixed with penetration aimed at the G-spot which is like three inches inside the vagina on the top. It feels textured (roughish) compared to everything else so it’s easy to find. There’s also the U spot but, honestly, that’s right at the urethra and if you’re going down on her then you’ll find it. I’m almost convinced that this one was differentiated just to give people something to talk about.

But there’s also another spot known as the A spot which is where the mythical vaginal orgasm lies. ‘A spot’ stands for Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone and it’s on the front of the vagina at the very back, roughly in front of the cervix (frontside of the woman’s body aka anterior). This is also known as the ‘deep spot’ or bottoming out and it absolutely shouldn’t be taken lightly. For one thing, if you can reach back there then depending on your flow you run the very real danger of stabbing her cervix with your cock which serves only to produce the most pained look on your partner’s face. She will recoil and she will not be happy. The area around the cervix is sexually sensitive but the cervix hates you. Don’t poke it.

5. Your cock is not a weapon.

If you try to use it like a weapon with stab stabby in/out motions then you’re doing it wrong. Sex is way more about massaging with your cock than it is in/out penetration.  Yes, in/out penetration is present but even that should be viewed as massage or pressure or friction. Do not think about “imma balls deep, holla” or what the fuck ever. That shit is stupid most of the time, especially when you don’t really know what response you’re going to get. The majority of what you do should be based on massage, pressure, friction. Sex is coaxing to orgasm, not forcing to orgasm. Below are three ways of fucking that have been universally well received in my direct experience in long term relationships. Your mileage may vary.

• I like the grinding style and my lady does too. It allows you to do a lot of other things with your bodies, kissing, caressing, etc that you can’t do in positions like doggstyle and you can focus on the clitoris with your pelvis via your hips.
• If you raise your partner’s legs in missionary then two things will happen. Her vaginal canal will narrow and you can apply direct pressure to the G spot. I recommend a bit of in/out motion combined with up/down motion. This comes from your hips as does fucking which I can’t repeat enough. This is putting it together. This is also the position that I’ve heard people say “makes the pussy talk.” There’s a reason they say that. It often does.
• For A spot stimulation I recommend nudge fucking, so called because you’re not moving much at all. It’s more a matter of putting pressure on the A spot, pushing, letting off a bit, and pushing again with your cock rubbing against the top of the vaginal canal. If your pelvis is also grinding a bit against your partner’s clitoris then this is a good place to be.

I can’t speak to doggystyle, seriously. I’ve been told by my girlfriend that I’m good at this but I honestly have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. She sometimes orgasms this way and I have no idea why. Sorry!

6. A final word.

Cut out masturbating to porn if it’s something you do often. I’m not coming at this from a moral standpoint at all because it has its time and place but porn is not helpful to young men trying to get their game together for the most part. I know the new thing for a lot of people is “porn is good” but it’s not.  It’s not necessarily bad either but this isn’t about good or bad. It’s about what’s useful to you in your life as a sexual human being.

What you should be focusing on is being present in the moment during sex and getting into it with your partner. If you’re replaying anal and cumshots in your head the whole time then, ugh, just fucking stop it. You don’t need another person for that sort of display and the point of sex is doing something great with another person. If you and your partner want to do all that stuff later then great but don’t impose an unrealistic vision of sex onto the actual act of sex. That’s just asking for disappointment, hurt feelings (her), confusion (you), and a whole lot of wasted time.

Dick size, some have smaller ones and some have bigger ones. Work with what you’ve got and remember that fucking comes from your whole body, not just your cock. You are not merely a body with a phallus attached. You are a whole and living and breathing man. Make sure it’s the man that’s having sex. Bring all of you to the stage and you will be rewarded and so will she.