Ranking The Zodiac Signs Based On Who Would Make The Best & Worst Apocalypse Wife

Ranking The Zodiac Signs Based On Who Would Make The Best & Worst Apocalypse Wife

1. Virgo

A Virgo would be the best apocalypse wife because you will literally never have to want for anything. She has thought everything through. You need artisanal hand sanitizer from France? She bought that 6 months ago, just in case. You need a glass of the best vintage wine your state has to offer? She has a case in the basement. You need someone to debate with, or talk to, about all of the things on your mind? She’s listening. You feeling a little frisky? She’s up for a little end of the world intimacy. And when push comes to shove? She is as calm, cool and organized as you’d expect. All around, she’s the catch you need during trying times.

2. Taurus

Admittedly, a Taurus may not be the most organized when it comes to having a plan in place for the end of the world, but their extreme need for comfort in their everyday lives makes them a great apocalypse wife because every day of isolation will feel like a perfectly padded daydream. Will your Taurean apoca-wife be organized enough to have an escape plan that doesn’t consist of shrugging their shoulders and napping through the crisis? Absolutely not. Will she burn you a $76 dollar candle, make you the most delicious meal of your life, dive into magical conversation with you about the Universe and aliens and so on, and make you laugh all while knowing exactly what show to binge watch on Netflix? Yes. Plus, it has been said that the only happy people in the world are those who are banging a Taurus, so. There’s that too.

3. Libra

The Libra apocalypse wife is simply third on this list because they favor beauty and kindness as if their lives depended on it. If you’re looking to isolate yourself with someone who will not only give you a lot of attention, but do it in the kind of environment that is perfectly luxe, comforting and stylish? It’s her. Libras are fiercely easygoing, so this will the most chill wife to have in your corner while the world is ending.

4. Gemini

A gemini is such a fun loving, and interesting human being. You can be sure that the conversation while quarantined will be the absolute best. Because she is constantly seeking new things to get distracted by, you will both continue to find new and exciting ways to stay engaged and entertained. Because Geminis would die without attention, you can also be sure that they will love having you around. Just don’t ignore her, and you will be the happiest little isolated couple until the end of time.

5. Pisces

A pisces woman will spare nothing to make you happy. As a quarantine wife, she will go the extra mile to make sure that your needs are met. However, she is also extremely sensitive and can get moody from time to time. Despite her ability to get into her feelings, a Pisces is loyal and nurturing. Whatever you’re going through, she will be there to listen, and to make you feel better. Being isolated with a Pisces will feel like a watery dream, even if it can get a little stormy at times.

6. Scorpio

A Scorpio woman is extremely demanding, so if you’re looking for the kind of apocalypse wife who just takes care of everything and lets you live out your days in comfort? Scroll to the top of the list. If you are, however, looking for the kind of person who is deeply passionate and, to be blunt, a huge freak that will not take their hands off of you? You’ve found your match.

7. Aquarius

This kind of woman is strong and independent and has always been living in her mind, so isolation won’t change her. Aquarians are extremely well adapted to making even the weirdest situations feel normal, and you can be sure that your aquarian apocalypse wife will do just that.

8. Leo

The great thing about having a Leo as an apocalypse wife is that they are fun as hell. Seriously, there will never be a dull moment with the kind of person who literally craves attention like it is their life source. You will be constantly entertained. However, these women are also extremely moody. It’s her way or the highway, so if you disagree with her, or say anything to upset her, or if you don’t like one of the twelve Instagrams she’s posted in the last hour within four seconds of them being live, she will most likely throw you out onto the streets to fend for yourself.

9. Capricorn

Will you have an exit strategy, a stocked pantry, copious backup plans and enough security to last you forever? Yes. Will you be sitting around watching someone enter into an unhealthy relationship with their work from home computer? Also yes. Even the apocalypse can’t stop a Capricorn, so don’t expect to be enjoying yourself any time soon with them — unless you like spreadsheets and their hourly analytical stock market self talk. Then, be our guest. But really, blink twice if you need help.

10. Cancer

Despite being the kind of person who feels deeply and gives a lot of love, Cancers are also the most unhealthily in their feelings, and in quarantine that could get a little overwhelming for you when you have other things on your mind. They will constantly be talking to you, asking if you are okay. If you look at them the wrong way? Moody. If you give their dog more attention than them? Moody. If you take your eyes off of them for one minute? Moody. This may not be the energy you need when, you know, the world is ending.

11. Aries

An Aries will be an incredibly fun apocalypse wife, but if you do anything to anger or disturb her, you will be sat down, and passionately yelled at for the rest of your days. Once this happens, an Aries will also not be interested in being holed up with you, so she may throw you away just as easily as she fell in love with you. A relationship with an Aries woman can turn toxic extremely fast, so it may not be in your best interest to choose the kind of wife you couldn’t spend weeks in isolation with if things went awry.

12. Sagittarius

A Sagittarius apocalypse wife is probably the most likely person on this list to try and convince you to take that super risky 12 dollar Spirit Airlines flight to Los Angeles. Need we say more? TC mark

About the author
January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer and a collective pen name. Read more articles from January on Thought Catalog.

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