1. Went to let the dog out and I walked out instead and left my dog inside.
2. One time my eye was really dry so I stopped drinking my water and started slowly pouring water into my eye, all while I was sitting on my friend’s bed, leaving just a bit so I could still have one gulp.
3. Got up to leave my bedroom and knocked on the door before opening it to go out.
4. Spent 45 mins looking for my glasses with my friend. Said fuck it bc I had to leave and was now running late. When I went to put on my sunglasses I smashed them onto my glasses.
I had my glasses on my fucking face the whole time and neither myself or my friend noticed.
5. The dumbest thing I’ve done while I was high was think my bowl of cereal was my phone and just tossed the whole bowl (milk, cereal, spoon) onto my bed. That was a fucking mess.
6. I set a hot pocket in the microwave and put in my pin number for the cook time.
7. I was trying to get food delivered to me but I just googled the word “deliver” for 40 minutes.
8. Got high in a soccer field after dark. Laying down, looking up at the stars, I suddenly felt The Spins so bad that I grabbed onto the grass because I swore I was going to fall off the planet.
9. Was watching a Korean drama when I had a whole freak out when I realized, “Holy shit!! I suddenly understand Korean!” I woke my bf up and made him watch with me as I translated for him. He laughed at me for 5 minutes before he told me I was just actually just reading the subtitles.
10. Made a cup of tea with cold water and proceeded to put the entire concoction into the microwave. When I discovered that the door wouldn’t close because the mug was too big, I tipped a bit of water from the mug and tried again.
11. I was fucked up looking for my hotel in Atlantic City. Somehow got there and woke up the next morning to just ‘hotel’ being in the search bar of my Spotify. That was my best effort.
12. Used my phone torch to find my phone in the dark.
13. Watched hours upon hours of the yule log TV show with my friends! So much that we knew when the hand was going to come into the scene to move the logs around.
14. Completely freaked out because everyone around me was speaking a foreign language and I couldn’t understand anything. Note to self – don’t get high in a foreign country.
15. Eating yogurt with a fork in front of my parents. My dad waited for about 10 minutes to say that a spoon might make it easier.
16. One time I came back inside from a back porch smoke and put my lighter in the sink. My reasoning was “I’ll put it in the dishwasher later.”
17. Was hot boxing and used my windshield wipers to try and clear the smoke.
18. Some girls in high school invited me to go smoke and swim in a creek with them. Of course I went to got high as fuck. Spent the next 30 minutes sitting in the creek. I was so still that a fish came up and bit my ass. I didn’t realize what I was doing until one of the girls ask me why the fuck I was all alone sitting in the middle of a creek not moving.
19. Blew on my cereal to cool it down.
20. Once tried roasting a hot dog with no stick, just holding the wiener in my hand over an open flame. It did not work.
21. Freaked out that I’d lost my iPod somewhere on the way to the train station. I got off the train and went back, retracing my steps all the way back to my apartment.
Only to realize that I was listening to music the whole time… on my iPod.
22. Ate a whole bowl of cereal with a fork took me like 2 mins to figure out why the fuck it was taking so long and why I wasn’t getting any milk.
23. I stared at ants outside for a solid hour and a half, just going about their business. I’m not too fond of insects sober. But when I’m high they’re so goddamn interesting.
24. Spent five minutes (thought it was 30) hysterically crying and then I kept forgetting my friend had a cat and I got scared every time I saw it and said, “Holy shit you have a cat.”
25. I hadn’t eaten for 24 hours so bought a beef burger from a food stand. Soon as I got it I looked up at the sign to see a picture of a happy cow standing in a field. I handed the burger back and walked away without saying a word.
26. Got a shower going for myself in the hall bathroom and then went and got a shower going for myself in the master bathroom only to come to with my significant other asking why there are piles of towels all throughout the house while I was laying in bed.
27. Standing by the sink, weeping as I tore into the most juicy and delicious whole ripe mango. In my mind I thought it was some sort of alien creature and it was giving its life in exchange for my pleasure. I thought it was was the most beautiful, selfless act anything had ever done for me and was overcome by emotion.
I must have looked like a goddamn weirdo but it was still a beautiful moment.
28. Walked up to the bathroom mirror with a flashlight, shined it on my eyes and studied the color patterns of my eyes for about 20 minutes straight. And singing loudly at the same time.
29. I was thinking about how great my friends are and how pretty they are and decided I should talk to myself like that too. So I tried on all these clothes I feel self-conscious in and gave myself a bunch of compliments.
30. Ordered food for delivery. Forgot. Went to grocery store for stuff to BBQ. Remembered about the food for delivery while paying in line.
31. Got high, ate a bunch of jalapeño poppers… not that weird.
No, the weird part was the calendar appointment I made for myself the next morning that just said “HAHAHAHAHA”. High-me apparently predicted the right time for my morning bowel movement, and as those little jalapeño poppers burned again on the way out, he reached out across time and space to laugh at sober-me about it.
32. It’s not that weird, but I get really weird sensations when Im high, other people probably get it too but I just don’t know how to describe it.
But one time I was just rubbing my leg a little because I was cold, and my friend was sitting next to me. So then I was like… Well, I can feel my hand and I can feel my leg, I wonder if I can feel hers?
So I rubbed her leg and was like, “Wow… I cant feel it,” and I didn’t really understand why. My friend just laughed at how stupid I was lmao.
33. A few years ago I was on shrooms with some friends and we went on a walk to smoke a cig. Every time I took a puff of my cigarette, I was expecting to taste Mountain Dew and I was disappointed every time that it didn’t. I quit smoking cigs a few days after that!
34. I started to get random sensations all over my body. The inside of my left thigh was getting really warm and I had to keep checking every few minutes to see I hadn’t pissed myself.
35. Every time I get stoned, I just want to confine myself to the smallest space possible. It’s not a fear or anxiety thing; stoned me genuinely feels more comfortable under a table or bed, or even inside a cardboard box this one time.