1. You went to the grocery store and bought all healthy things, but then you got tired and hungry when you got home, so you ordered pizza. You’ll cook tomorrow, right?
2. You got all that spinach for all those green smoothies. You made one. You threw out the spinach after it turned into mush in the bottom drawer of your refrigerator. Nice!
3. You woke up this morning like, I’m going to the gym if it’s the last thing I do in my entire life! You didn’t go. You’ll get ‘em next time, champ.
4. Last weekend you were all, I’m never drinking again, that’s it, never, ever, ever, ever? Two days later, happy hour happened and now you’re just breaking promises to yourself.
5. Save money? Budget? What do these words mean?
6. If you get all your laundry done and put away within the same 24 hours, you are embarrassingly proud of yourself. Like, this is Adulting 101, but it’s nice that you celebrate your (incredibly) basic victories.
7. If you eat something healthy for breakfast, you reward yourself with a cookie at snack time. THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.
8. Sleeping the full eight hours (and more) is kind of the only healthy thing you do regularly. Naps, too! So, so, so, so, so great at sleeping. Gold medal in sleeping. Sleep is your superpower.
9. Driving home from work, you’re thinking, Oh, I’m going to read a book tonight! Then, you get home and it’s like, well, or there’s a new Shark Tank?
10. During the week, you look put together and like you are a person who is playing the role of Adult very well. On the weekend, only stretchy clothes which are five times your size are allowed on your body. No exceptions!
11. For 30% of the month you make all the best decisions for yourself and it’s weird because then you reward yourself with the most unhealthy shit ever the next day.
12. You’ll be all, I did everything great yesterday and I feel awesome about myself so I deserve Oreo’s and delivery and 3 naps and this couch forever and rewatching every episode of L O S T.
13. …Inevitably, the next day you’ll feel like a piece of human garbage and you’ll be like, Okay, for real I’m getting my shit together, starting today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
14. *1 hour later* Ughhhhhhhhhhhh, this is stupid! *goes to Chipotle*
15. *with a mouthful of chips* There’s always tomorrow?