I want to see certain movies, but I don’t have anyone willing to tag along with me. I want to travel, but I’m not close enough to anyone to ask them to book a flight with me and fly overseas. I want to walk through museums and hike up mountains and dance at concerts — but I don’t have anyone to ask to come.
I know I could technically do all of those things on my own. Even though I consider myself independent, there are certain things I don’t want to do alone. I want a friend there to share the experience.
I want a friend who will answer my texts at two in the morning when I need someone to rant to about my problems. I want a friend who will take random photographs of me when I’m not paying attention so selfies stop being the only thing on my Instagram feed. I want a friend who will walk through my door without knocking because they feel that comfortable around me.
I want a friend. Period.
Right now, I feel completely alone. I feel like there isn’t anyone around who understands me. I feel like there isn’t anyone who cares about me.
My phone rarely lights up with texts across the screen. My weekends are rarely filled with plans. I spend most of my free time by myself, watching television or scrolling through social media. I never have any exciting stories to tell because I never leave my house.
I feel like I don’t have any friends because I can’t remember the last time I sat up with someone until two in the morning, swapping secrets. I can’t remember the last time I smiled an authentic smile.
I am probably being too hard on myself. There are probably people who would agree to hang out with me if I was brave enough to send them a text. There are probably people who would be happy to spend more time getting to know me but assume I want nothing to do with them because I never reach out.
Maybe it’s my fault that I have been feeling so lonely lately. Maybe I am actively choosing to isolate myself. After all, there have been times when people have invited me places and I turned them down. There have been moments where I could have involved myself in conversations but sat back and listened instead.
Maybe I feel like I don’t have any friends because I’m afraid to put myself out there. I’m afraid of asking someone to hang out and hearing excuses about how they are too busy with work — but having a gut feeling that they secretly didn’t want to hang out with me. Worse than that, I’m afraid of actually setting plans with someone and then feeling awkward the entire time we’re together.
I hate how socially awkward I am. I hate how difficult it is for me to continue a conversation. I just want to find people who make me feel comfortable. People who make me feel like I’m not alone after all.