I consider myself an independent woman because I make my own money. I drive my own car. I buy my own groceries. I wash my own clothes. I take care of the basics.
I am a responsible twenty-something who doesn’t need anyone’s help. I can take care of myself.
That’s why I feel like a complete hypocrite when I admit that I hate being alone.
I’m not talking about brief bursts of solitude. I like working alone. I like having peace and quiet as I’m reading a book. I like my alone time after a long day.
But I don’t want to be alone too much. I don’t want to be alone all of the time.
Being surrounded by a large group of people zaps my energy since I consider myself an introvert, but being around one person who makes me feel at home sounds like heaven.
I just want one person who will make me feel safe when I’m wrapped in their arms. One person who will motivate me to try again when I feel like giving up. One person who will make me laugh during the darkest days of my life.
Even though I’m an independent woman who doesn’t need a relationship to feel fulfilled, the truth is that I don’t want to fall asleep alone. I want someone beside me, holding me tight, comforting me when I jolt awake from nightmares.
I don’t want to eat alone every single morning. I want someone sitting at the other side of the table, talking to me about how work went yesterday and how delicious the food tastes. I want someone to fill the silence so I don’t go crazy listening to my own thoughts.
Even though I can technically take care of myself, I secretly don’t want to live alone. I want someone to greet me when I walk through the door, someone to watch TV alongside, someone who will listen when I babble about my stressful day. I want someone to keep me company so I never feel isolated.
I hate being alone because it gives me too much time to think. My brain goes into overdrive, stressing about things that haven’t even happened yet. The more time I have to myself, the more time I have to overanalyze.
I hate being alone because it makes me wonder whether it’s always going to be this way. Whether I am destined to stay single. Whether I am ultimately unlovable.
Even though I consider myself an independent woman, there is a part of me that is dying for companionship. I want someone who is there for me no matter what happens that day. Someone who will make sure my nights are never lonely. Someone who will give me space when I need it, but will cuddle me when I’m feeling affectionate.
I know that I don’t need a relationship to survive, but I’m not embarrassed to admit that’s what I want. I’m not afraid to say I secretly hate being alone.