I Am Not Going To Pretend I Don’t Care About You To Seem Cool

Girl who is not going to pretend not to care
Unsplash / Almos Bechtold

It’s obvious that I have feelings for you. There is no sense in hiding it. If you text me, I am not going to wait three hours to answer you so that it looks like I have better things to do than talk to you. If you invite me to your place, I’m not going to pretend to be busy so that you think I lead some exciting life.

It’s harder for me to play pretend, to act like you mean nothing to me, than to admit the truth. It takes more energy for me to ignore your texts than to answer them right away. It takes more time for me to plan out what I am going to say to you so that I come across as casual than it does to type the first awkward thing to pop into my head.

That might turn you off, it might make you think of me as too much, but you know what? I am not sorry that I am authentic. I am not embarrassed about how open I am when it comes to my feelings and my past and who I am inside.

If I’m being completely honest, I wish more people were like me. I wish more people would say what they were thinking instead of running the words through a filter in their mind. I wish more people would go after what they want instead of sitting on the sidelines silently. I wish more people listened to their guts, followed their hearts, and ignored their heads.

Maybe I should follow the flirting rules that everyone else seems to abide by. Maybe that would get me further with you. But I will never know, because I am not going to pretend that I don’t care about you to come across as cool. I am not going to purposely avoid liking your pictures so that it looks like I haven’t seen them. I am not going to actively ignore your messages so that it looks like you aren’t a priority.

I am going to text you back as soon as I have the chance. I am going to press the heart button on whatever pictures I like from your feed. I am not going to hold myself back out of fear of what you will think of me.

I would rather be myself. I would rather wear my heart on my sleeve. I would rather make it obvious that I like you than spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened between us if I tried harder, if I made it clear how I felt.

I am never going to regret the shameless way that I flirt with you or how quickly I text back or what I say when I am drunk and am even more honest than usual. I am not going to feel bad about telling the truth instead of giving into pressure and acting like you mean nothing to me.

You do mean something to me. You might as well know it. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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