We never dated, even though we were attracted to each other. Even though we were comfortable together. Even though we made sense together.
I keep telling myself that the timing wasn’t right — that we definitely would have dated if things worked out a little differently — but that is probably bullshit. A lie that I tell myself to stay sane. To protect myself from the truth.
In reality, we could have made it work. We could have found more time for each other. We could have decided to rearrange our lives in order to make room for each other. There wasn’t anything keeping us apart, except for ourselves.
But I keep blaming bad timing for our falling out because if the timing wasn’t the real reason why we never got together, the reason must have been that you didn’t like me as much as I thought you did. The reason must have been that you didn’t want to put enough effort into our relationship. The reason must have been you. Or me. Or us.
The truth is that we never got together because we were hesitant. Because we were scared. Because we were stupid. Because we held ourselves back instead of spilling our souls. Because we kept our distance instead of taking the leap into a real relationship.
We never got together and that is our fault. That is all on us.
It feels wrong to keep blaming bad timing for my mistakes. I can’t keep acting like something greater than me is responsible for my regrets, I can’t keep acting like the universe is the one in control and I am some helpless bystander.
I am in control of my own decisions. You are in control of your decisions. And together — even though it might have been an unconscious decision — we made the decision not to date. We made the decision to fall apart instead.
But I’m not going to let that realization hurt me. I’m going to let it empower me. I’m going to use it as a reminder that there is no such thing as bad timing. As a reminder that any time is a good time to tell someone what they mean to me.
In the future, I’m not going to let timing stop me from sending a text. I’m not going to let timing stop me from admitting how I feel. I’m not going to let timing stop me from chasing after the person that I want.
I’m never going to let timing hold me back again, because what if the right time never arrives? I would rather say something at the wrong time than never at all. I would rather take a risk and regret it than regret the fact that I stayed silent.
I’m finally able to accept that bad timing isn’t the real reason why we never dated. That it was just my go-to excuse because I can’t stand the possibility that I actually let you get away.