I Pretend I Am Strong, Because I Secretly Hate How Sensitive I Am

A girl who pretends she is strong
God & Man

I hate how much I care. I hate how I can spend several nights in bed, replaying the same moment over and over again, wishing I could change it. I hate how I can remember the disgusting words that someone said to me years after they were spoken, but have trouble remembering the details inside of my sugary sweet memories.

I hate how upset I get when someone raises their voice at me, when someone takes too long to answer a text, when someone gives me the smallest hint that they are annoyed with me. I hate how I overthink every little thing. Things that no one else would even notice, let alone dwell on for hours at a time

I hate how sensitive I am. I hate how hard it is for me to deal with rejection, with disappointment, with a split second of awkwardness. I hate how I have no control over my thoughts or emotions. How I can break into tears the second I leave a roomful of people and am alone again.

Of course, no one has any idea how soft my heart is. They think I can handle anything that is said to me. They think that hard times roll right off of my back. They think that I am crafted of stone with an impenetrable core.

They think I am much stronger than I feel, because I cover up my true emotions. I pretend that I couldn’t care less about what other people think. I act like nothing bothers me.

I make jokes about my pain to cover up how much I have been suffering. I lie about being fine when my heart is begging me to spill my thoughts, to release the burden pressing against my chest. But I am a master of playing pretend. I have learned how to fake smiles until even I swear they are real.

Whenever I meet someone new, someone I can imagine a future alongside, I hold myself back. I act like I am the one who cares less. Like it would make no difference to me if the person stayed or left me behind like all of the others who came before. I break my own heart before someone else has the chance to do it for me.

Even when it comes to my closest friends, I have trouble letting my feelings show, because I have become accustomed to hiding behind a mask. I use sarcasm and mean names to show affection. I rarely tell anyone how much I love them. I assume that they know. I assume that I don’t have to say the words aloud.

I pretend I am stronger than I feel, because I don’t want to increase my chances of getting hurt. I don’t want anyone to see how vulnerable I am and take advantage of the fact. I don’t want anyone to realize that they have the power to hurt me.

But mostly, I pretend I am strong, because I wish it were the truth. I wish I were more like the person that everyone else sees, the person that doesn’t actually exist. TC mark

Severe(d) is a creepy poetry collection by Holly Riordan
that glows in the dark! Get your copy here.

This is me letting you go

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for.

At the end of the day, you have two choices in love – one is to accept someone just as they are and the other is to walk away.

We owe it to ourselves to live the greatest life that we’re capable of living, even if that means that we have to be alone for a very long time.

“Everyone could use a book like this at some point in their life.” – Heather

Let go now

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