I Am The Girl Who Always Overthinks

Unsplash / Mike Wakefield

Once I develop feelings for someone, I overthink everything that I say and do.

I overthink texts. That’s why it takes me so long to answer. I plan out what I’m going to say in the notes app on my phone so the other person doesn’t see those three dots appear and disappear at the bottom of the screen. Sometimes I even send screenshots to my friends, hoping they’ll help me figure out what I’m going to say next.

And when I’m going to see them in person, I overthink what to wear, how to style my hair, which makeup to apply. What looks casual but not lazy? What looks attractive but not like I’m trying too hard?

I overthink how flirty I should act, how many compliments I should give, how close to inch forward before pulling away. I want to hint at my feelings, but I don’t want to come across as clingy. I don’t want to look desperate, like I’m trying too hard, like I’m dying for their attention.

That’s why I overthink the stupidest things. Should I like their newest photo on Instagram or have I liked too many in a row already? Should I send them the last snap I took of myself or should I take twenty more first to find a more flattering angle?

I drive myself crazy by overthinking every single thing I say and do — but I also overthink what they say and do.

When they look at me for a little too long, I overthink the significance of their glances. Is food stuck between my teeth, juice staining my shirt, lipstick smudged across my face? Are they looking because they already caught me looking? Or are they staring for a deeper reason? Are they thinking about how to ask me out, how to turn our friendship into something official?

When they send a text message asking what’s up, I overthink what those two little words mean. Are they trying to ask me if I’m free so we can hang out? Are they sitting there, wondering what I’m doing and who I’m with because they hope I’m alone? Or are they just bored and sending out texts to anyone who will answer?

When that same person compliments me on the way that I look, I overthink their intentions. Are they just being polite, trying to make conversation? Or are they trying to tell me that they find me attractive, that they spend their nights fantasizing about what it would be like to kiss my lips? Do they talk like this to every other girl or am I the only one?

I overthink what it means when someone takes too long to answer a text — and when someone answers a text too quickly. I overthink what it means when someone hugs me hello — and when they give me a wave instead.

When I have strong feelings for someone, I overthink every little thing. My brain never gives me a moment of rest. It drives me toward insanity. TC mark

Holly Riordan is the author of Lifeless Souls, available here.

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