Men are a hard nut to crack — pun intended. Not known for their openness, men often leave women in the dark as to what they’re feeling, their motives, or whether or not they’re just in it for the booty. As a gay homosexual, I’ve been able to observe my straight brothers, their mating rituals, and wonder why they love Friday Night Lights so much.
Determined to get to the bottom of this, I got a bunch of straight dudes naked and forced them to talk about their feelings. Together with Ed Salazar, Tom Sibley, Ron Babcock, Nathan Buckley, and Mitchell Bisschop, all very funny and talented dudes you should follow, I went to Wii Spa, Los Angeles’ premiere Korean Spa. If you’re in L.A., check this place out, and throw modesty to the wind.
Not wholly unexpected, the are just some things men don’t understand about women. When it comes to clothes, “I feel like they’re dressing for each other, like they’re competing,” said Nathan Buckley. While Ron Babcock is, “…amazed by how much women talk negatively about people they call their friends. It’s like they straight up hate each other.” Sexually, “…once a girl is in her 30s, she’s done everything. So it’s finding the balance between keeping things fun sexually, but not dehumanizing them,” said Ed Salazar. Swoon, am I right, ladies?!
We All Need a Good Cry
Contrary to popular opinion, these dudes are all about shedding a tear. Mitchell Bisschop cries, “… at every wedding I go to, good or bad. I think it’s a disorder,” while Tom Sibley’s family dog recently died, and he, “… felt like I did ten years worth of crying.” Ron summed it up best, “Eventually you become okay with experiencing new emotions.”
Yes, We Know We’re Douche Bags Sometimes
“I know a ton of guys that will do anything until they freak out about being broken up with,” said Mitch. “I’m the guy that can talk, but have trouble moving the relationship forward. I’m afraid of failing,” said Ron. Being brutally honest, Tom asked, “Why is that if I treat you like shit, I’m king of the world? But the second I don’t do that, you run for the hills?” Uh, I shouldn’t try and answer this one. Ladies?
But You’re Also Crazy Sometimes
“At times I feel like I’m not so much a boyfriend as just someone to yell at about things,” said Ron, basically summing up every episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. “The moment you open yourself up and get vulnerable, they perceive it as you’re broken,” said Tom.
There’s a Buffet of Masculinity to Choose From
“I think what’s identified as masculine hasn’t changed, we just get to pick and choose from the buffet of masculinity,” said Ed. More forward, Ron lamented, “I hate that whole alpha-male bent in advertising, like that Hungry Man dinner, ‘TWO POUNDS OF FOOD!’ There’s so many advertisements now that if the final word were, ‘Faggot,’ it wouldn’t be weird.” Tom was very susceptible to that line of advertising as a kid, but feels that, “Now that I’m older, I find that being a man isn’t in anything we do but rather in your principals, sticking to it.” Swoon, Part II.
Embracing the Softer Side of Dudeness
“I subscribe to Better Homes & Gardens because I like it,” said Ron. Yeah, I’m going to leave it at that.
But Wait, Don’t Rush Me
“In my experience, when women like you, they make a decision to like you, to try this. That freaks guys out,” said Mitch. Ron’s biggest pet peeve,”..is that they’re always trying to get to the next step. It’s like, if you force somebody’s hand, you know how that’s going to end.” But Nathan, who recently got married (sorry, ladies), summed it up perfectly, “It’s about hope. Hoping that it works out, that the gamble pays off.” I can’t stop swooning!
On the Gays
“If somebody wants to check me out, cool. The only way I’d care is if they had a big dick. Then I might feel like they’re laughing at me,” awesomely said Nathan. “I’ll tell you how I respond when a guy hits on me. On the record, ‘I’m straight, but it’s fine.’ Off the record, but back on the record, I love every second of it,” said Tom, continuing with, “…a gay guy isn’t going to be ogling at you naked (in the locker room, responding to the comments often attributed to the newly out football player, Michael Sam), that’s what a deviant would do. It’s not like the gay guy is standing there jerking off saying, ‘I’ve got to do this, I’m gay.’ He’s a guy too, he has a dick, he’s not interested in making that moment sexual.” Tom Sibley will be the honorary heterosexual head of the gay pride parade this year.
I’d Go Gay For…
What I had imagined would be a short conversation turned into a very interesting debate. Below is the complete transcript, for your viewing pleasure.
ES: I’d go gay for Brad Pitt in Fight Club.
RB: Too skinny. First of all, do you really want to go over to his house? For breakfast he’s going to throw you a dozen eggs and then go do pushups on a rusty piece of metal. No, I want someone nicer. Personally, I enjoy that Timothy Olyphant.
ES: He seems like he’d be a gentleman.
RB: But bad in all the right ways.
TS: I would say Ryan Gosling, but I wouldn’t want to ruin what we could have as buds. So I’d want it to be Daniel Craig.
ES: I feel like he’s a power bottom.
RB: I think Ryan Gosling would physically break me.
MB: Would you do a guy like Lee Marvin, or a guy like Prince? I don’t know. Prince has this sexual energy.
ES: I feel like he’d use feathers to ease you into it.
NB: Late 70’s Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s the only one that speaks to me. There’s a lot of shapes, and curves.
TS: Like Predator Schwarzenegger?
NB: More Conan the Barbarian, Pumping Iron.
ES: Pumping Iron!
MB: That’s a big guy. Unprotected?
NB: Of course unprotected.
RB: If it’s someone that I’d want to build something with, I’d probably go with that guy that plays Jon Snow in Game of Thrones.
ES: He’s dreamy.
RB: Because then I’d be making all the bitches jealous. They’d be looking at me and I’d be like, “He’s mine.”
ES: Jon Snow would be good, he’s a hunk.
TS: Can we keep going?
RB: I actually wrote a blog post about the top 50…
ES: “I’m totally straight, but here’s the 50 dudes I’d totally go gay for…”
MB: And you’re on the list, and you’re on the list….
You’re welcome for that little nugget of joy.
I hate my…
“… Eastern European flat butt,” said Ron. Mitch hates his, “…pudgy stomach. I look like a troll.” He wasn’t granting wishes that day at the spa. “I’m a monster looking person,” said Ed, referring to his barrel waist. Like most of us, Ron and Tom hate that they have acne, and like myself, Nathan suffers from the former fat kid syndrome.
I love my…
“Dick,” said both Ron and Nathan. Ron went on to say women have told him it’s nicely shaped, which Ed replied, “It’s elegant. That’s a secret Jane Austen novel, ‘The Elegant Penis.’” Tom likes that he’s tall, at 6’2, “… it’s never not worked in my favor.” While Mitch likes his, “… big butt.” It’s a very nice big butt.
At the end of our time together, we dressed, feeling that we had gotten to know each other very, very well. But I couldn’t leave them on such a raw emotional note.
“Guys, guys, one more question, Betty White, Matthew McConaugey or Vladimir Putin, who would you Fuck, Marry and Kill?!?!”
F*ck, Marry, Kill: Betty White, Matthew McConaughey, Vladimir Putin
MB: Kill Putin. Fuck McConaughey. Marry Betty White, because inheritance.
ES: Kill Betty White, because, least to lose. Marry McConaughey because I feel like he’s a sensitive guy. Then I hit play on the recorder and fuck Putin and put that shit on the goddamn internet, because fuck him!
RB: Kill Putin, because I don’t like the cut of that guys chin. I’d fuck McConaugey, because who wouldn’t? And I’d marry Betty White because I get to fuck her too because we’re married.
TS: I’d kill Betty White because she’s overrated. Matthew McConaugey I’d marry because we’d hang out, smoke pot, play bongos. I’d fuck Putin because it would hurt the most.
NB: I’d kill Putin for being a dick. Fuck Betty White because I’ve always wanted to fuck an old lady. Marry McConaughey so we could play guitar.