Thought Catalog

82 Generic Gay Guy Names And What It Says About His Personality

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Karina Carvalho
Karina Carvalho

1. Todd: Works in retail, positions himself as a fashionista even though everyone knows he’s fleecing that Ralph Lauren employee discount.

2. Garrett: Chronic manorexic.

3. Will: Enjoys repartee. Terrible in bed.

4. Chad: Evil.

5. Brian: Clean-cut and natty, but dirty AF in the bedroom.

6. Bryan: Totally different from Brian. A gritty, unapologetic bad boy, but just likes to lie there during sex.

7. Ryan: Into puppy play, but no one will “adopt” him.

8. Ross: Always goes home with the first boy at the bar who hits on him.

9. Chase: His real name is Al, but he wants everyone to call him Chase. Chase?

10. Colin: We get it, you’re gay AND Irish.

11. Greg: Lisped before exiting the womb.

12. Phillip: Always looking to marry his mother in a man. Yep, still single.

13. Kurt: Knows where the best online porn is.

14. Connor: Size queen.

15. Jack: Republican.

16. John: Married to his career, but somehow manages to attend EVERY circuit event across the globe.

17. Ian: A sociopathic chicken hawk (aka a “cougay”).

18. Spencer: Pseudo-intellectual; always has to be right (i.e, bossy bottom).

19. Martin: Doesn’t know his place in the world, blames the ruinous gay culture on everything.

20. Adam: We get it, you’re gay AND Jewish.

21. Rob: …

22. Cam: Always pings you the second you log on to Scruff. “Hey bro, haven’t seen you on here in forever.”

23. Cameron: Picky eater, but drinks like a fish. Goes MIA the day after a big party or a crazy night out.

24. Josh: Quiet and reserved so, naturally, is carnival freak crazy kinky in the sack.

25. Jeremy: Shames you for not knowing enough about gay pop culture.

26. Aaron: Shames you for not knowing enough about gay culture of yore. Liza who?

27. Chaz: Claims he doesn’t know what “cis” means, but secretly knows what every letter of the gay alphabet stands for.

28. Austin: A veritable RAT (rapidly aging twink).

29. Jared: Still not out to his family, never will be.

30. Michael: Made a big statement by going from Mike to Michael when he came out. Incidentally, so did every other Mike.

31. Mike: Well done, Mike. You stayed you.

32. Matthew: Dates men who look EXACTLY like him.

33. Matt: Only hosts, never travels.

34. Paul: Constantly announces his short-lived Facebook breaks. Bye, Paul, see you next week.

35. Blake: Works his extreme whiteness and doesn’t apologize for it.

36. Dillon: Everything is sexual innuendo with Dillon. EVERYTHING.

37. Dylan: His parents threw a party when he came out. Shares with them the most graphic of details from his dating life.

38. Dave: We get it, you have an enormous…vocabulary.

39. Daniel: Regina George.

40. Dan: Knows every DJ who ever spun at Burning Man.

41. Sam: Your go-to brunch friend.

42. Stewart: His Grindr profile pic is of argyle socks.

43. Alex: Don’t ask him about Bernie.

44. Alexander: Don’t ask him about Hillary.

45. Alec: Slightly annoying but his perpetual VPL never fails to tantalize.

46. Beau: Has a thick southern accent even though he went to Bowdoin and Harvard Law School.

47. Zachary: Always looking for an extra ticket to the Pier Dance.

48. Ben: You can’t say anything bad about him, but at the same time…You can’t really find anything great to say about him either?

49. Derek: Your drug dealer friend.

50. Tom: Masc for masc only.

51. Jim: On every single gay sports team. Always rocking a bandage or cast as a result.

52. James: Creepily savors his s’s whenever he sssspeakssss.

53. Zack: Unrepentant gamer. First to play Pokemon Go.

54. Mark: Doesn’t clip, but shaves his body hair, including the hair on his legs. Eew.

55. Jesse: His lesbian friends are for more interesting and funnier than he is. (Note to self: get their numbers.)

56. Billy: Has gym memberships at Equinox, NYSC, Reebok, Chelsea Piers, and Gold’s. You’d never know it.

57. Dick: Lives up to the love for his name.

58. Jeffrey: Always dates another Jeffrey (but spelled differently).

59. Reid: Big-time camper and griller. Born and raised in Staten Island.

60. Alan: Never get on his bad side. Seriously. Just don’t.

61. Andrew: Hung.

62. Kyle: You can take the gay boy out of the fraternity…

63. Jason: Crazy eyes. They were alluring at first, but you learned your lesson the hard way. Twice.

64. Jacob: A nice Jewish doctor looking to marry a nice Jewish lawyer.

65. Jake: Doesn’t do drugs, just steroids.

66. Nathan: Theater queen.

67. Eric: King of selfies.

69. Steve: The highest-maintenance “low-key” gay dude ever.

70. Stephen: Went to Duke, won’t shut up about it.

71. Steven: Too busy, he’ll have to get back to you.

72. Travis: Totally gay but somehow lacks the gay gene.

73. Trevor: Constantly posts boring pics of his dog-babies, aptly named “Precious” and “Pookie.”

74. Brady: Instawhore. 75,000 followers and counting.

75. Brenden: Two words: daddy issues.

76. Kevin: Seems like the whole package. Makes you doubt yourself for being so cynical and distrusting. Fuck you, Kevin.

77. Ethan: Your richest (and laziest) friend. Thank god for family money.

78. Tucker: ‘Sup? You up? You out? Looking? Not interested if you practice safe sex.

79. Nick: Catfisher.

80. Chris: Functional addict. But barely.

81. Peter: Tell us more about white gay male privilege.

82. Patrick: Hates, no, absolutely DESPISES online posts featuring lists, especially ones that reduce gay men to absurd stereotypes. TC mark

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