Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

They only like exciting sex. Which is fine, when their partner is also in the mood for exciting sex, but a relationship without at least some romantic fucking feels shallow to most people after awhile.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

They are lazy in bed. It’s cool that they’re so laid back and make you feel comfortable, but after awhile you kind of have to check their pulse to make sure they’re even still alive. No one wants to have to be the one on top 100% of the time.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

They kill the mood. With an attention span as short as a gemini, asking them to pay attention to hooking up for even ten straight minutes is a lot to ask — but that doesn’t excuse blurting out “what time do you have to wake up?” in the middle of sex.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

They suffocate you with intensity. The opposite of the aries, sleeping with a cancer feels so serious. It’s all intense love-making while they tell you how special you are, all the time.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

They’re too into themselves. Sex, for most people, requires vulnerability but when you catch your Leo watch themselves in the mirror it’s a little bit of a turn-off. No one wants to feel like they’re the backup singer in something that’s supposed to be a duet.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

They make you schedule it. Virgos are not passionate, spontaneous lovers. They can get the job done, but there’s no fanfare. They make you feel like another item on their to-do list.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

They don’t make you feel like their one and only. Everything a libra does to make you feel special (which, to be fair, is a lot) you also witness them doing for just about anyone else in their life. For most people a partnership is the most intimate and important aspect of their life, for a libra it’s one of many, many relationships.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

They never want to open up. It’s exhausting to never get a compliment or never have someone stop playing games with you. A scorpio will make sex seem like sex with someone you barely know, forever, which is absolutely not as fun as it sounds.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

They don’t take it seriously enough. For a sagittarius, sloppy drunk sex is as good as any kind of sex. They don’t understand the idea of focusing on something, or trying to please someone, they kind of just run around like a happy puppy doing whatever feels good and then wandering off after a few minutes.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

They’re judging you. 100% of the people who have commented on their partner’s cellulite during sex are capricorns. It’s just not fun to be uninhibited with one of them knowing how judgmental they are.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

Their mind is somewhere else. An aquarius never feels like an equal. They never actually even seem that interested in you. Sex with them feels like you’re a human sex doll they might remember to talk to (BRIEFLY) after they’re done.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

They are too hot and cold. A pisces will sext you all day long but then not be in the mood when you get home from work. All the fun for them is in the cerebral aspects of sex, they almost don’t even need to actually do the physical act.