Here’s How You’d Get Away With Murder, Based On Your Zodiac Sign


(March 21st to April 19th)

Faux ‘accident’. A suspicion-free murder would be pretty easy for Aries as they are adventurous and can plan some totally normal outing where only a very small amount of effort is needed to make a death look accidental. Whether you’re hiking, traveling in a dangerous foreign country, bungee jumping, or sailing — beware, “accidents” happen all the time.


(April 20th to May 21st)

A rock hard demeanor. No Taurus has ever caved under questioning. You can stick to the Shaggy defense (“wasn’t me”) and deny, deny, deny. It doesn’t matter if you totally botch the actual murder since most evidence comes from interrogation and you’re not likely to give a single piece of information up. You’ll dig into your stubborn bull roots and escape scot free.

For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new.
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For the person who is always googling astrological compatibility when they meet someone new.

How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on.

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(May 22nd to June 21st)

Plausible flakiness. Geminis exude such a fanciful vibe that they could say something insane like “I got caught up in my book and I totally forgot I left the toaster on the sink when my husband went to take a bath, he must have knocked it in!” and everyone will believe them. Geminis make you believe anything is possible, even if it takes a gigantic logical leap.


(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Presumed innocence. No one in the world is going to suspect a Cancer of murder. You’re too sweet and innocent seeming. People will find you with blood on your hands and you’ll cry your very real Cancer tears (lets be real, you might kill someone on purpose, but you’re still going to be like, sad they died) and whimper your way out of it.


(July 23rd to August 22nd)

Great acting. There’s no one better at putting on a show than a Leo. Skilled at being the center of attention, you don’t get nervous when people question you. Instead, you’re able to take control of the situation and spin a very believable web of lies about what “actually” happened.


(August 23rd to September 22nd)

PROPER PLANNING. Hello??? No one can get away with a murder like a Virgo can. It’d actually be scarily easy for them to think through all the steps they’d need to avoid blame, and then execute flawlessly. There will be many checklists involved (burned after the deed is done, of course). Consider this the next time you piss a Virgo off.


(September 23rd to October 22nd)

Charm. Libras don’t go to jail. Libras can befriend anyone and get them to do their bidding so they wouldn’t even have to do the murder themselves to begin with. If they did, they’d charm the hell out of all cops and detectives involved. No matter how strong the evidence, Libra is not going down for this.


(October 23rd to November 22nd)

Persuasion. Cops have no fuckin’ clue what they are getting into when they question you. Scorpios are very skilled at logic and arguments come naturally to them — you can calmly and rationally explain to anyone inquiring why it’s totally bananas that they’d even think it’s smart to think you had anything to do with the crime in question.


(November 23rd to December 21st)

Escape. Sagittarians don’t really care about living in the US when there are so many other exciting places to go. Committing a murder is just the motivation they need to uproot their lives and become an expat! Sure, they could always be extradited home, but good luck finding them in whatever anonymous tropical fishing village they end up in.


(December 22nd to January 20th)

Shrewdness. Naturally calculating, a Capricorn can figure out exactly how to perform a murder in such a way that they will be neither suspected nor caught. Smarter than most, they won’t ever be a suspect to begin with. Come to think of it, they’d make pretty good serial killers….


(January 21st to February 18th)

Thinking outside the box. Aquarians are such unique thinkers that traditional police techniques don’t work on them exactly because they rely on predicting what most people would do in a given situation. Aquarians have never subscribed to the usual and their unpredictable behavior works well in their advantage here.


(February 19th to March 20th)

Good scheming. Pisces are clever and patient. They’d commit their murder through non-traditional means like poisoning. It would be well-planned and ensure no one would ever suspect sweet, quiet Pisces of such a horrible crime. Thought Catalog Logo Mark